Inner/Outer Authority

we exist in homogeneity with society, mentally
we naturally homogenize to the same thinking
but the thinking of the human culture is not working
we realize this, but it is still very painful and difficult to forge a new path

I want a source outside of myself to lead me
like a scripture, or whatever
but I have to face the facts that I'm stuck in a world of children
It's lonely trying to forge your own path
but that seems to be the only way to answers or true spirituality
and perhaps that's the point,
learning to find our own inner guide,
rather then existing in the outer

a strong spirit seems to be defined by someone who is capable of following their own inner guide, following their own path, against all odds and outside influence. Inner authority that rules over the intimidation of outer authority.

Meditations

Try to think, without words.
What is happening? Inside your mind.

Now try to think without the formal constructs of what is known as 'reason' and 'logic', too.
Just pure feeling, or intuitive intelligence.

Now attempt to disregard all outside influence, from all peers, teachers, from the philosophies of our culture, their social movements, governments, your own religious or spiritual ideologies, yes, everything, including any ideals some stoners have about consciousness, the universe, the nature of self, etc, anything you've been taught by music, or a movie, or show, all our behavioral training, everything, try to force out and purge yourself of all worldly influence.

Everything you have been pushed into feeling too embarrassed to admit you feel (let alone say), everything that seems too crazy to entertain thoughts about, everything that has been demonized or stigmatized in your mind, forget about all of that, purge all of that out too. Mentally fast and detoxify.

What is left? What do you believe? What are you? Who do you really want to be?

I enjoy going into the shower, kind of crouching and curling up, putting my head down and letting the warm water wash over me. Closing my eyes and just contemplating these thoughts. Or when lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep. It seems to work best for me in those moments, and then I drift.

"(SORI XIV) Everywhere Light"

Stream of Consciousness VIII

Snow falls
gently
slow motion
the air is still
everything is quiet
a blanket, covering the earth
as if to put it to sleep
...rest...

in an empty house
I could watch, safe inside
and as I do I close my eyes...

there are no traces of the life I lived before
nor of the world that will be
I am somewhere else..

home.

the magical interest everything has to a child
inside my head a place still exists
that I remember from childhood,

alone, staring out my window
in the night
in the cold
wondering what lies beyond..

the promise of another world
I felt it then
like everything is safe,
everything is assured

as I return there now,
as a creature feeling so much older, weighed down,
it hasn't changed.
it goes on in youth forever
ancient memories,
I can reach them still

the sanity of the world outside is insane
this other world is the only thing that makes sense

"- (snowfall / white sleeves)"

Stream of Consciousness VII

the soulless stuff wins

past the screaming arrogant noise of the world
there's a silence

what is soulless is defined by the lack of this quiet place
entertainment is a distraction from it, and so by nature is soulless.

the noise must be allowed to be snuffed out

the nothingness grows and expands and engulfs the mind

a warm glow,
down there
somewhere at the bottom

I can't see very far, but little rays of light gently reflect and glow through the mist
 something is down there.

down in the silence, down in the formlessness, down in the gloom

I get all kinds of hallucinations, trying to decipher the fog
scary things, coming out to me, terrible, fearful things.
the emptiness terrifies, hard to approach.

but I have nowhere else to go, so I'll sit on this rock and stare into it

not really too afraid, at once comforted, hopeful, yet desperate and scared
how many people push this far? I wonder. Or do others even exist here, in the sense I've known?
my thoughts are too much noise, let them go. focus on the nothing.

endless nothing

it expands in all directions like another dimension
it's everywhere all at once and a complete discrepancy from the formal world

logic and reason, or what we call them, are useless here.
An ant brain trying to comprehend existence

and somehow I feel within my sentient being the capacity to understand
past the instincts, past the formal construct and processes of the brain, and going on's of the world around me.

it's down there at the bottom of me
it is the bottom.
it's the same thing.

interesting...
how I feel that existence is understandable through my own consciousness
it's an innate sense

my self is intimately linked to the deeper levels of the physics and science of the universe and existence. Far past the levels we have outwardly explored.

somehow, formed by it, and in some sort of symbiosis with it.
like the deeper levels of the univese experiencing themselves through me
a mind, a manifestation of these deeper levels, operating on the superficial level.

a mind, operating on this level, thus become attached to it and preoccupied with it.
a mind becomes coherent and adapted to the human brain, the whole construct, and thus operates on instincts and the prescribed patterns, in impulse, reason, reaction..

the association with the formal level, reasoning, instincts.. must be surpassed, severed, transcended. It is only of value when interacting on the superficial level, not for comprehending the depths.

the depths of the mind are mysterious, beyond the scope of the logic of this level.

nothing is irrational, nothing is crazy, when exploring these depths, all thoughts, feelings, have a basis in something and come from somewhere.
so, should not be laughed off uncomfortably as being too incoherent, too insane.
But explored.
Deeper.

there is... overwhelming inspiration and desire to be free.

attempting to analyze the thoughts is to describe them in form
but this slows down the process of exploring them, and brings me back to this level.

the inspiration felt here is timeless, like perpetually youthful.
I don't know what this inspiration means. What it represents.. only the sense that it comes from a deeper and more meaningful level. It is as hard to comprehend the meaning of meaning as it is to understand what my own consciousness is, exactly.

there's a sense of peace and completeness. Of things being right. Perhaps that's part of it..

Like I am free, beyond the world, and I am in love.
Not so much that I am in the experience of such a state, but a glimpse into its' fact of existence.

the world is an extremely minute realm, from the vantage point of this state

the previously ruthless and intimidating manmade structures of authority, society, are trivialized, and, in touch with something else, I am less afraid to speak a differing voice which contradicts the world's views.

attempting to describe the path to the state makes it harder to maintain hold of. The self consciousness, and sort of pride seems to destroy it. I have to be purely focused on it, in high sincerity.

it is for me.. it is for solitude. It is sacred and demands my full attention and seriousness, as like a jealous lover. Approached without ego.
I sort of feel the need to yield to it, in respect of it.

that's all for now.. the analyzation distracts.

Spiritual, Emotional & Physical Pain

The pain of the emptiness of loneliness. Of jealousy, of being without or outside while others have, possess. It is like a weight pulling down on my soul.

It is literally and physically a feeling like the pain of hunger. Like my insides are being stabbed, a thousand tiny needles, generally within my abdomen, or heart and chest, depending. It's almost indistinguishable, but not enough that I can't sense when I'm hungry..
And yet, I feel that I could actually be prone to eating when I'm not necessarily hungry, because of it.

If it wasn't for my very non-addictive, non-disordered psyche, it would be easy to imagine me developing an "eating disorder" of eating too much and becoming overweight.

As a soul I experience this world sensorially through my body, like my soul stretched out into the information I receive, and it seems like profound experiences even translate in this way, to a physical experience of pain.

And it never really goes away.

It is the pain of caring.
It is the pain of love, and devotion.

Love is given value through suffering. Significance. It is as if I am building love, and that is the meaning of suffering.

The world ubiquitously ignores it, despite it being the most indeniable and powerful thing I've ever felt. The only real thing that upsets me about life. And there's something very suspicious and revealing about that? But perhaps it is also just too ugly for most people - weak souls - to look at.

Being Childish

In order to be in touch with myself,
to be honest, passionate, emotional, to have these feelings and take them seriously,
I run the risk of looking childish.

It's like with my old hipster "friends" and acquaintances. Where everything is held at arms length with them. They are too advanced for emotions and vulnerability, they cannot be in touch with themselves. And for being otherwise I was at best a bit ridiculous to them. I really think that above all other adjectives, "insincere" describes the hipster best. As well as most others. They think they're something new and special. They're not. They are a primitive-at-heart albeit sophisticated attempt to gain superiority, and are horrified by vulnerability.. They've got a million judgments for everything that they think sets them apart from and above the rest. They're desperate for that high, but it just makes them soulless.

Do you see what people are trying to do? They're trying to castrate my soul. I'm supposed to try to fit in, prove myself to others, and as long as I remain emotional and have these passions, as long as I take these passions I feel seriously, as long as I take anything I feel seriously and don't put it beneath me, I'm lost to them.

I hate them. I hate their phoniness, I don't know how they can stand to be who they are. They gather around the sofa to watch a movie and flauntingly talk about pop culture references, thinking they're so cultured and so advanced. And never in their conversations does any sense of genuine feeling enter, it's just a constant orgy of trying to feel superior with each other. They're disgusting. I can't recall ever in my life being able to keep that act up for more than two minutes. It makes me feel like a whore piece of shit and meanwhile I feel my soul strangling. I've got these feelings and longings inside me and they've never been able to be very quiet. I have got to be passionate and feel that meaning or I can't stand the thought of my existence. Why are we trying to drown out our emotions like that? It's despicable.

So I am childish, and cannot let the fear of this judgment alter me. And by recognizing this consciously I can look at this accusation and disarm any defensiveness I would have about it - I can say yes, I am childish; I believe in it.

I feel like in writing all this, merely the way I write these entries, the way I intellectualize things, I fear may be enough to betray myself, even. I know that to others, for my art, for my feelings, for my desperate search, I am childish, and this is at least partly kind of defensiveness over it. I want these idiots to know that I'm aware and thinking about it, and even understand it to quite some depth, but still defend it.

But I also hear my heart speaking. And there's this passion that screams words I can only imagine from where, saying the most incredible things, surprising me most of all, and when I can find a moment to let it go and really speak what it will, unadulterated and unrestrained, I can't believe what I hear and how much it hits me what I really feel. And in that is the overwhelming knowledge of who I am and what I want to be. And I don't want to be this petty garbage, I don't want to allow my soul to be silenced, not even if it means dragging the whole world down with me. I love this person that's inside of me, the way he speaks openly against every influence in the whole world, managing to gasp out, profoundly, an actual unique thought. A truly unique thought, as this comes from a place so abstract and at the overcoming of all influence. I love the way this person inside me recognizes that life is not worth a god damn without the underlying meaning of the passions and emotions that can only be seen in self-honesty and an in-touch nature. I love the way this person inside demands that I listen to him and not back down and not shut up, even while on a more shallow level I remain hesitant. I can hear the ridicule I incur for speaking passionately, in any instance I may choose to, yet I love that this guy inside me cheers me on anyways because he recognizes that this is worth more then that concern, and I am only betraying myself in the end with concerns of such non-childish, "adulthood" vanity.

And it's like, what is all this adulthood bullshit, anyways?
"Maturity", yeah. It's just like, lose contact with yourself and the passions you really feel. Deny yourself, your dreams and innocence, sell out, be advanced, become desensitized, and deny everything. Grab a phony romance and do the bare minimum to keep it "stable", to prove to the world that you're "well adjusted" and doing ok, a "success", and claim there's no turmoil going on down there. Are you kidding me? Is that what we came to this planet for? How can we justify this?
And that's what they mean by maturity. That's seriously what it amounts to, becoming a whore. They won't tell you openly, but there's no choice, you are to deny your innocent dreams, and what love intrinsically means & the ferocity with which it can only speak. The only volume level it knows. To tone down such passions until you take them casually, and allow them to be used and destroyed. And in that is the destruction of the meaning of love, and in the destruction of love is the destruction of all of life.

My parents and culture in general always pushed me down the path of career, success and all that nonsense. All I could ever think about my whole life has been the way I have seen love constantly being destroyed around me. Don't they know that's the only thing that actually matters? I'm supposed to get a solid career going, for what? So I can soak in all that material security and just be miserable in a nice big house? Like it's supposed to make me happy despite the central point of life being destroyed? I can't understand why people like my parents were so hung up on that crap, trying to get me to "succeed", while I was just constantly miserable! And never a thought given to that, not once. At least not in any other context than treating it like a defect to be coldly fixed by some psychiatric institution so I can get back on my worker ant track. Like, isn't this the point of life? Doesn't that come first? Love and happiness? The whole central thing. Am I just a worker ant to them? It's all just evolutionary instincts, everything they operate on. It's the whole school culture idea, this false association we made between education (training/prepping) and a bright future. Like we're building a future by doing this. Like this is important or something. Like it's going somewhere in the end. All a big illusory construct.. Fuck you, I'm not happy! When did that become so unimportant?

But that's adulthood. Just the act of making the world soulless.
There's no reason it had to be this way.

"Childhood"

What can I say?

Phony optimism, phony hope, trite inspirational quotes shared around online, which sound pretty and life changing, but change nothing.. They're like candy, they get people high on some half-witty little statement about life that's just a lie, giving them a plastic sense of hope. They get their fix, and then they're back next week for another, but nothing is different. It's like when people say how this or that musician changed their life. Saved them. "I wouldn't be alive right now".. and this they always say with slurring words, as they drink themselves into oblivion in their pointless mess of a life.

My mind recognizes patterns. All human minds do, we are incredible pattern-recognizing machines. So when it comes to salvation, to happiness, meaning, I can't help but observe the events unfolding in my life, and it's always - trying to analyze the data, what's happening.. is this something special? I'll do something new, something I haven't done before, or haven't gone as far in, or whatever, I'll see this or that situation, this or that success, failure, odd event, different event, and my mind is always analyzing it, like, "am I on the path to meaning?" "does this mean something special?" "Am I finally making real, meaningful, substantial progress, spiritually?" But of course, it's never anything. I am here wasting time with this elaborate mental structure that tricks me into wasting a life's worth of time.

The world is full of phony romances, I have not observed otherwise, not once. People are lying to themselves, out of desperation.
And isn't religion kind of the same? Romance and religion, they go hand in hand, on a deeper level. We are looking for completion, one way or another. I mean what is 'god'? For me, the meaning in it is the idea of a being which can love me and lead me and overall complete me, and finally make me not feel alone, for once truly not alone. And we as people tell ourselves constantly, you know, this new system, this new theology, religion, this new romance, we've finally figured it out, we've finally found completion. But we're lying to ourselves in desperation. We're phony whores and it cheapens us and it cheapens the value in existence. But maybe if you stay together long enough, maybe if you stick it out it will come true? But it won't. We're trying desperately to be in love, telling everything to ourselves to convince ourselves, when we do not truly honestly feel it.

And worldly justice: if you're really good and you really believe.. well, there are still no promises. Do not be fooled by the lies - the world does operate by cruel social hierarchies which are not only just unfair, but which punish the meek and loving most. That is not to say "oh we know that, just keep trying, it will eventually turn out", "you've just got to believe or.. or keep suffering forever, and then it will work."
Like, oh, I'm sorry, was I caring wrong? Was it not enough that I gave while you took?
No, it is corrupt to the bones and sometimes will destroy well more then just a small helping of justice. You will not get what you put in.

Don't entertain the lies they tell you in the stories they show you, about people getting what they deserve. You don't have to feel like a big bad negativity jerk for not buying it. (if) You're not the one who made the world this way.

Oh, and self improvement, here we go. College, career, working out, raising kids, the channeling of oneself into a task and watching of its results as a way of simulating the experience of the illusion of improvement, progress, in one's existence in this realm. To subtly make oneself feel they are progressing on the deeper meaningful level too.
And, watching the "progress" of humanity, the development of nations, technology, exploration, science, etc. It's the same thing.

And you'll find a huge amount of lies in all of the religions, and all of the drugs, and all of the life-changing lifestyles, self-help books, music lifestyles, etc. It's multiplicity, it's insanity, the human organism desperately looking for answers and branching out into every conceivable possibility, but finding nothing.

Someday you will die, and it is indeed possible it will be quite senseless. You will not gain a sense of completion or purpose to life simply by getting older, being old, living a long life, "full life".. You will be left with the same non-answers you have now, and wonder "what was the point of this?" as your candlelight is burning out.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing"
(Shakespeare)

"— (3:14. everything that god made, that will be forever.) "

People like to ridicule this, they say, "yeah we all know, tell us something new Ben"
Or they say, "Man you've got to change your attitude"
As if to imply my seeking hasn't been honest enough, selfless enough, intelligent enough, or otherwise. But when I look I observe that it's exactly those things that have precisely formed my attitude?

What is passed off as positivity I perceive less to be good, and more often to be an attack on the truth. You want me to forget all that I have learned. You want me to be weak and relinquish the answers I have honestly observed, in favor of drunken-ing myself towards some positive outlook, like maybe everything will be ok in situations in which it won't, like sedating myself for a time.. Mulling the positive lies over in my mind until I can't help but find myself back in this predicament, ultimately remaining lost. Forever. No! I won't accept it and I don't feel guilty for my negativity. Why should I even? I don't want to close my eyes on what I have learned, because I fear that if I do, an entire picture will never form and I'll never understand existence. That I'll just be stuck in a permanent cycle of lies and false progress, forever. Do you understand what it means to say you want the truth, you want answers, understanding, fulfillment, and won't tolerate waiting a second longer than you judge you have to? And maybe an entire picture will never form. Maybe it's not even possible, I have to be willing to accept that.

I find the optimism and show the world makes to be so ugly.. always on to some new thing, some trendy thing, but it's always just the same old nothing, and unbearably stale. It's just the damn phoniness that revolts me.

"Pineal Cones, Stars, Eternal Loneliness & Overwhelming Insignificance"

Why does every path seem to be a dead end to no answers? False hope? What is a conceivable purpose for this nature? I'd rather not trade in the latest one for another lie. I don't want to be old and still mulling over the same garbage. What kind of lives are these that we lead?

The Great (Inner) Struggle

When I was younger, I felt like our inner struggles were a metaphor for the struggles "out there", the big action packed ones we see on the screen. Like an inferior version of them, and don't really compare, and it's only a real struggle if it's physical and visual and superficial. It's only a real struggle if it's World War I, and that's important.

In my shift of valuing the internal more, I understand these big struggles we see on the screen only to reflect our inner turmoil. Indeed, most of us will never even get involved in some big awesome gunfight like we see on the screen, (and most of the time we do, we're just being posers and trying to imitate what we see on the screen), and yet we still have this obsession with creating those struggles on screen. These battles and big acts we see going on in the world are the inferior reflection of what we feel within. They are merely a symbol and expression of the struggle for meaning we feel within ourselves.

Let us not marginalize the internal just because it's not as tangible, "real". It shouldn't be belittled, as if petty, silly emo nonsense by comparison. It's a lot more real. It is our inner struggle which creates literal wars, through which we get a sense of escape from the inner discontent, not the other way around. Frustrations build up and build up until, inevitably, war erupts as an outlet, and it is through war that we get a sense of meaning and hope that we may escape our troubles.

The struggle of life, what basic human validation means, the ego games we play, loneliness and the meaning of love is far grander and more profound & meaningful then anything you could make a movie about or begin to fantasize about.

"Have a Nice Life"

What Makes You Like a Person?

People will like you, but will not understand what it is that makes them like you, what traits and qualities. What they might say to justify it is generally a poor understanding of themselves, and a superficial interpretation. They don't know what qualities makes a person truly valuable.

This opens up the way for people to really like a person while simultaneously speaking scathingly against the very values that person stands for most and is all about. Sometimes they will even do this in an attempt to impress that person, to make them think they are 'cool', only to disturb them.

Of course, there's plenty of (mostly?) faux-respect we have for each other, based on manipulations, instincts, intimidation. For example, the way people are impressed by aggressiveness, or will obsess over someone who ignores them, or drawn towards someone who can provide them with rub-off status or power. This is not true good respect about a person however.


As for why often times people with good qualities are disrespected anyways? I'm not really sure, but I suppose it's sort of the inverse of the above faux-respect. Like someone who you feel will tarnish your own status with their own 'loser' status, so you are compelled to ridicule them to gain power, and the value they have is not readily apparent or expressed enough to overcome such instincts.



Anways...
one way or another, we don't know what has value.

Why Nothing Changes

I think I got a grip on how the 'modern' human mind works,
spend half of all your time trying to be "sexy",
spend the other half of all your time complaining and acting confused as to why gender roles, problems, and polarity "still" exist. not to mention all the other problems in the world. And why nothing ever changes. It's what you wanted?

So we get this paradigm shoved down our throat where we're constantly being fed these conflicting messages. Like, "you can do this but just don't act these certain particular ways about it." And being told what we need to do to fix the problem, you know, like all the feminist "rules", but the goal is something that is literally impossible to attain. You do what they tell you, and you'll find you're doomed to never being able to get it right. Because people want to have their cake and eat it, too. You can't change the problem by rearranging the surface, and we choose this distraction of the surface to avoid the real problem. If you want to be a body instead of aspiring to be a mind, that's what you get. And in actuality I think it may go even farther than that; I'm not sure people even really want to change anything. They just want to manipulate ideological structures to gain ego, manage guilt and push blame around. I get the hugest sense of irony from people when they do this, and I think they subconsciously feel it too. Because that's what you do when you feel guilty, you put on a facade that seems opposite, to portray yourself as righteous.

Conformity, Social Pressures & Guilt

I mentioned before how guilt is often, perhaps even mostly just the fear of going against other people's opinions on right and wrong, rather than a sincere inward quest.

As I experientially follow this line of thinking, I find it interesting where my psychology moves to. It can be unnatural to hold onto at times if I stop thinking, I guess I tend to default back to a conformist interpretation of right and wrong. But if I maintain focus and awareness and look inside myself for what is right and wrong, I find something else.

I am aware that at times I have even been afraid to confront myself in how I really feel about something, this or that. When the group states its opinion about how right or wrong something is, I feel the overwhelming pressure to clam up on my inner self, to not even ask myself how I really feel and go into denial with myself. Like I feel like I'm just an unknowing creature, that wouldn't dare go against the tide of others. Like I wouldn't want to go against what the crowd is thinking, like I want to prove myself to the crowd that I'm not "one of those people", and this pressure pushes upon me is as if god himself was telling me I'm guilty and damned, and I'm desperately trying to escape accusation without so much as even considering to stop and ask myself how I really feel.

This kind of guilt, it's not even sincere guilt, I find. It's just conformity, the social pressures.

I guess you could say that we are feeble creatures, humans, and so for us other people hold authority, as we look for answers and right and wrong. But we should be the ones who hold authority. Not the arrogance of self-power, but consulting the self, and letting honesty, this inner sense be your guide, and your god, not other people (or ideologies, religions, political thought systems, etc.)


And yet it's still hard in many ways to fully face and confront the fact of just how different my conception is of how I really feel about everything, from what the world shows and tells me I should feel. How backward the world is, on both right and wrong. I think my personal and private world, my private self, in an aspect, gains it's sense of personalization and vulnerability from this concept itself. The fact that it differs so much, that what I really feel I am afraid to admit to, even to myself.
This difference between how the world says things are and how I really feel is profound and disturbingly disjointed. How to put.... I guess you could say kind of like a spiritual conspiracy theory.

And, on somewhat of a side thought, what are "conspiracy theories" anyways?  I think we as humans have attraction to them, on an emotional level. And I think that's because they represent something to us. This sense we have or wish to have that there is some grand design running beneath everything, hidden, and when we find it, it blows everything else out of the water. I think we have this attraction to the concept of conspiracy theories because it's a distant, removed metaphor for what we are sensing on a subconscious, spiritual level, towards our lives and existence in a much more general and deeper sense.

Not So Special Disorder

As they say, "everyone's got something". Everyone thinks they have a special 'disorder' or issue, and perceives this state as something more unique to them than it actually is.

What this really refects when you realize the ubiquity of this kind of mentality, is the fact that culture is so artificial and false. The nature of what we really experience and the way our minds actually operate is stigmatized to the point where we don't even dare to confront our selves.

So these vulnerabilities - the sense of significance we have for things, what hurts us, what upsets us, what we secretly have sensitivity towards - get intimidated first, and then repressed through that intimidation, and finally morphed and contorted into a complexity of other supposed shallow issues that we inevitably project the repressed anxiety onto.

And no one is in a position to fix the problem. The psychologists and therapists are just in league with the problem. They'd love for you to believe that your real problem is just addiction to cigarettes or "low self esteem" or "bipolar disorder".  The politicians are just in the game too, of people who channel all their anxiety into politics. Even the gurus and authors and preachers usually just end up in the business of selling shallow advice and capitalizing on social trends.

All anyone can do is confront their own self directly and learn the truth, to escape from being a false, manipulated pawn of culture. To be true. These problems are the inevitable result of power hungry culture; a lack of love; a lack of responsibility by all people to give validation. The misuse, collection and bastardization of love for power. As soon as that is broken, and excused, the intimidation, manipulation, rationalization, deception, distraction, repression, and all the other problems begin, and cannot be stopped.

Morbid Fascination of Sexuality

It's funny how the psychology that drives sexuality (and everything that follows) turns everyone into everything they would otherwise  never want to be. It's this morbid fascination for humanity. It will turn you into a blithering dog of a creature while telling you that you are gaining value. And everything is rendered backwards according to it's own ideology.. it is very curious how it distorts the perception of everything so radically. It is exactly the reason for so much wrong and soullessness in the world, yet through the mentality of sexual egotism people are led to believe it offers salvation for everything.

A small example, let's take art or music.. it is exactly the sort of soulful inspiration quite apart from sexuality that gives it any and all meaning. These themes of things like having one's own personal world, uniqueness, individuality, personal value, the sense of belonging, or not belonging, or belonging to an outside group, alienation, sadness, anger, passion, depth of love, depth of self-understanding, sentiment, nostalgia, and so on, and it is exactly things like power hungry social dynamics that ultimately end up destroying the meaning that music had or could have. This concept of "selling out".. it's a wonder people don't realize how it's basically a parable for the mentality behind sexuality. And yet again and again, endlessly, we see stupid artists thinking that if they add more sexuality/related ego nature to their act, desperately, that they're making it "cooler". And time and again, before you know it, they're all washed up. They end up just seeking acceptance and power, and don't even realize that not only are they losing the meaning, (this underlying value, themes that drew people to them in the first place and gave them a sense of connection) but that this is the exact reason they're losing meaning. They end up seeking acceptance and power, social hierarchy, inclusion of themselves at the exclusion of others, superficiality, and nobody respects that, not on the deepest level, not really. It seems "cool", I guess, to them, at the time they're doing it. And yet, no matter what they claim, nor how "extreme" they go about it, manipulating the surface to portray themselves as special, they're just being weak, yielding to pressure, conforming, losing integrity, and they have nothing real to say, because they have lost sight of the foundation of value, in favor of power and ego.

Non-Judgmentalism II

There is, of course, bad in certain kinds of judgments. Since I made it clear in my last post on judgmentalism that I'm not against being judgmental, let's spell out the difference between different kinds of judgments.

Everywhere I've been I've seen the same thing.. When I'm at work and have to take orders, there is, as with every job I've ever had and all customer-employee relations, the very strong sense of the hostility for the general customer base, and the employees in return.

These people are hanging by a thread, just waiting for you to mess up, so they can jump on you and make a judgment. You can absolutely sense it.

In return, the employees are utterly aligned against the customers. There's always the griping, and mocking customers behind their back, talking about the orders and the people and what they say and do, and how stupid they are perceived to be. And this is constant.

Sometimes customers will be especially "nice", trying real hard to force a nice demeanor, really contrived. I don't think too much differently of this, since it essentially seems to be motivated by a desire to feel superior to all the 'negative' others.

Maybe a lot of this griping is just letting off steam over rotten people that are upsetting.
But behind a lot of these attitudes people display, is the desire to feel superior. To gain power.

So often there's this attitude like "everyone else outside of us is stupid and inferior, but we - the people of this particular group - we get it." And I hate that. They can't see that they're all just the same, and doing the same.

Making these judgments about the customers or employees, just waiting for your chance to jump on them and be like "A-Ha! you're stupid!", makes us feel special and superior and set apart from the masses, yet in a very shallow and false way.

But it's too easy to make false associations. Because people exhibit this destructive behavior in every corner of the earth, it's too easy to look at it and go "oh, being angry with others is bad, making judgments about others is bad." But it's really just the specific aspect of attempting to gain power and superiority.

There is hate and judgment for the purpose of ego and power, and there is sincere hate and judgment over the genuine feeling of hurt by the abuse of the hunger for power.

It seems that sufficiently lost individuals are unable to firmly hold on to the distinction between the two. Perhaps they would read this and intellectually agree with it, but then they would exercise hatred against others for the purpose of feeling special, while attempting to claim it's the honest breed. Maybe they even cloak it that way to disguise from themselves so they can get away with it and get what they want.
I of course can't be the arbitrator of all disputes, but the distinction is rather clear to me.

Holding back enough of my judgments for long enough, over the course of years, in favor of a forced smile in the face of disturbing, power-hungry lifestyles, left me only still feeling a screaming, unsilenceable voice inside, saying even louder this time that "remaining silent and passive is absolutely wrong!" And this built in me the understanding that there must be something wrong with the philosophy of non-judgmentalism, and an understanding of the difference, which I do not even really feel tempted to abuse. Not even against those who have my sincere judgments. If I hate someone, I hate them for the sincere reasons, and leave the judgements that give me a high of superiority out of it. Because I know that sooner or later, having that sort of attitude only leaves me feeling cheap and soulless. I'm not trying to dance on their grave, I'm genuinely hurt and disturbed by them, and feel it would be a betrayal of love to not speak passionately against what they say or do. And when I'm passionately speaking, I'll take care not to get lost in my passion and start feeling special and superior about it... if I lose sight of what's important, if I start getting a self conscious sense of ego about myself in my anger, if I start thinking of myself as 'big and bad', I'll lose sight of the message, lose my will, and the message will become destroyed. What is important is what is important. Hatred should have genuine soul in it, and such soulful hatred should not be restrained. (strategic reasoning aside)


The idea that hatred is antithetical to love is a misconception, and probably comes from the external appearance of things. Being angry does not, after all, put on a very affectionate display of things. It's not something of a positive or affirming demeanor. But hatred nonetheless is one of several necessary tools to be used in the service of honest love. It's defense of the meek, and love is worth defending. Forget everything Jesus or Gandhi or Buddha told you, because their words have been spread all about by popular culture, yet have not borne fruit. You can't let the intimidation of the authority such figures carry socially get in the way of what your heart honestly feels is right. Some of them repeatedly told you to look inside yourself anyways, so why feel guilty for listening to your deeper self alone, as best you can understand it.

It's the desire for power and ego versus the desire for love.. again as always. Nothing else is important.

You Are Being Lied To

There is a special place in hell for all those who use the "insecure" accusation against others' loneliness and jealousy, to keep awareness away from the repressed guilt that whore culture carries.

Everyone knows what it means to give your love, to give yourself, what your personal world means, what it means to be alone, and to invest in that solitude, as a gift, and to be betrayed in all of these things - no one can be so stupid, to deny this. And yet, here they are. This should be the most obvious of all things in existence, and yet most have stigmatized all awareness of it, more than anything else in the world. People need love, the validation, safety and preservation of their personal world, to belong and exist in fairness and promise, to receive the love they give, and there is no excuse, no manipulation, no slut rhetoric, no lie that will ever completely erase that fact forever. You cover it up, and it just boils over, as it has been for millennia. The meaning of love hides in plain sight.

You are being systematically lied to, manipulated and controlled, everywhere in every aspect of culture, for the purpose of others' domination and power. To believe that you are a defect, a mythological creature, and that your feelings are unwarranted, invalid. To make you question yourself for even thinking that you might be different.
If you are alone, if you value yourself, and your personal world, if you can't bring yourself to give up on love as easily as everyone else... This is for you. And your feelings, which are valid. And all the hatred, all the jealousy, all the sadness, all the sense of disturbance at what others seem to take for granted. Don't repress it in the shame they engineered in you, because to repress it is to lose awareness of yourself. You are the only one that can know your own feelings, and judge which are or aren't valid or shameful for yourself, on your own basis. Not on the basis of scriptures, or gurus, or mental health experts, or social pressures, or stupid inspirational quotes passed around online.

You know, somewhere far inside, that you are worth more than the desperate, love-degrading games set up here, and can't cover up that sense completely; it will forever work it's way into other problems, manifest itself somewhere, in other forms, and the world will never know peace.

If you give your love; sacrifice, invest, devote; then you are worth love - what should be the most fundamental of all laws - and it's time to stand up for yourself, on your own, and stop listening to the lies, and the rhetoric, excuses, guilt, ridicule, and start believing that love is worth defending, and that those who speak against it are not. There is nothing more important, and never will be, and this problem will never go away.

There are no parental figures or religious demigods or teachers or gurus that can hold you by the hand, you are only wasting your time by waiting around for someone to save you. Watching the world unfold and unfold, forever becoming nothing, wasting your time on the carousel. None of it is going anywhere, love is lost and that's a crime. You don't want the path of no answers anymore, you want the truth, no matter what. You have to take the initiative to stand up, for once, for the only thing that will ever make any sense, and follow it through to anything, even death, because the world will never know relief until we all stop being weak, and making excuses, and lying.

Spinning through Darkness

We are spinning around on a piece of dust in utter darkness, by mere freak chance holding orbit over a giant ball of hellish fire, lost in a sea so big we can't even see the end of it, far too far from other civilizations to ever reach them, as a species, facing certain extinction. As humans, left to a world of brutality, with no one to guide us, no true adult that can show us the way, as we learn upon becoming adults ourselves, and realizing we are still just lost children, no one we can really confide in, every romance appears to be phony. There is no safety, assurance, certainty, or rest in anything. Everything dies, everything becomes disordered, the laws of thermodynamics ensure that everything will dissipate into nothing, that nothing lasts, every meal is fought for, nothing is sustained, everything at a cost. Everything is separated, and vastly far apart, and lost in unimaginable numbers. It's all behind the feeling you get looking at the stars, the overwhelming sense of smallness, that momentary awareness of intense existential loneliness which we quickly hide from and deny. It's all a very ugly, horrifying dream of terrible existential loneliness - Worst of all the loneliness. The sense that no one is there, that god has abandoned you in this place. For what purpose, no one knows why. If this awareness creeps up on you at the wrong moment - lying in bed at night, far from home, alone, the fear is so immense that it can be paralyzing. The universe.. I don't so much understand calling 'beautiful'... It's like a dream of calling out into a gargantuan void of darkness, cold and starving, and no one, and no god is there to answer.

Stranger still is how romantically attracted I am to the overwhelming existential loneliness. I can never escape the sense that it means something equally overwhelming. I don't run from the lonely sense I get staring up at the stars at night, like a coward running into the house to turn on all the lights and make a bunch of noise. I get lost in and fixated on this emptiness.. And somewhere in it get the vague and fleeting sense of something beyond.

"Pineal Cones, Stars, Eternal Loneliness & Overwhelming Insignificance"

Non-Judgmentalism

I am not ashamed to feel hatred.

Whether a person hates at times or not is not what makes a person valuable or spiritually 'advanced'.
This is not one of the important qualities, and such hatred often will actually occur as a result of expressing truly important qualities, while others betray.

When people try to cut you down for being "bitter" or "hateful" they're just trying to manipulate and control, they're just trying to get a grip of superiority. They're being defensive. It is as with the argument that one is being "judgmental". Judgments are a part of life, and we all make and excuse our own judgments.... like when we judge someone for being judgmental. Not to defend any particular philosophies, but it's curious how people will call others' philosophies "hate speech", as if it has some special meaning.. but then hate them for it. So you see, they set up hatred as a special stigma whereby they essentially can portray a person as less spiritually advanced for showing, and then they manipulate this portrayal to whatever advantage. They do not consider themselves to be the backwards, uncivilized man because they put on a facade of being temperate, upright, astute, level-headed, someone who would not succumb to such a 'primitive' thing as anger, and whether or not they have anger quickly becomes a new arguing point without even questioning whether it matters. But they have their own hatred too, and can't hide it from me.

Focusing on being a more forgiving, less "judgmental" (whatever that means) person is a false path of spirituality that will not lead to any meaningful answers. We have seen religious and spiritual leaders, gurus and teachers from all around the world repeatedly drill into us these concepts, and they have been widely dispersed among the people, and yet they have done nothing, and never even seem to work right. Some might argue that we are too puny to reliably live up to them, but if you pay close attention at all times, you can see the carrot and stick, you can see why they don't work, and why they're not called for, and why trying to force them into situations that aren't right only adds to the problem.

Why is it this way?
Why is hatred something we have a tendency to feel guilt about?
Why does that sort of psychology exist about it?
I'm really not sure, I hadn't put that much thought into it, I might have to contemplate this.

I don't feel guilty about my hatred, it's there for a reason, and most rancorously in defense of those characteristics which are truly valuable, and which I do not want to distract from with false spiritual paths.

Sanity as the Adherence to Standard Reference Points

It's funny, the perception of insanity is often little more than the state of one's mind departing from standard reference points. We see this reflected in statements like "he's gone" "his mind is gone". But we need this ability to dare to depart from the standard reference points, or we'll never have anything but the same cycle of culture we have now. The echo chamber of the blind leading the blind, with no one truly leading. We'll never have genius. And what do they say about that, too? "There is a fine line between genius and insanity." Seems that's because it reflects this same departure. And even the phrase "mental abnormality" or "abnormal psychology" is of course literally nothing more than categorizing things by being uncommon. Yet this sometimes curiously equates in our human minds as suspect, defect. I mean, what does the word "Abnormal" conjure up in your mind? It makes you think of deformed people, the elephant-man, the idiot brain put in Frankenstein, I bet. Perhaps that has something to do with evolutionary programming. There is a stigma about following a path that leads away from the generally known paths, whether large or small. (Culture and "counter-culture") They don't have to be the most mainstream, but they're established and known.

But following a unique path, isn't that something we all sort of crave and wish we were brilliant and heroic enough to do? The fear of negative feedback from others is a powerful force, the social spectrum mercilessly controls us. We feel that if nobody else is doing something, then it's just not something we're supposed to do. And we feel this way despite desperately wanting to be unique or rebel. When someone sets the precedent for something new, usually many others quickly follow, but it takes a long time for that first person to act. They will often quickly be considered crazy, until others catch on.

One good example of this is combat: When you go to war as an individual against society, they call you a terrorist. When you go to war as a substantial group against society, they call you a revolutionary. When you go to war as an entire society against another society, they simply call it war. The perceptions of insanity of course characteristically decrease with each larger group.

It is as with guilt, as I have mentioned before. Guilt usually being a lot - far more based on feedback from others rather than a deeply internalized sense of the right and wrong.

One caveat I have about all of this is that, I feel, we hardly need more people superficially "acting weird" or "different" in society. We have more than enough of people experimenting with literally every new gimmicky thing they can possibly come up with to distinguish themselves, and it is by it's nature shallow and egoistic, and no substitute for real value and love. Culture's constant attempts at finding meaning through shallow experimentation just end up making society more hollow in the end, as such ego ventures only leave a trail of empty, used-up vanity behind. Everything that a person does should be motivated by the pursuit of real value rather than shallow value or ego value or "just trying to be different for the sake of being different". However, the principle remains that people should not feel bound by standard reference points.

Complex Social Issues

In order to understand things in a world of complexity and manipulation, it is necessary that we see everything fundamentally.
This means seeking the internal state of things. There is no other way. Without this we are lost in the surface symbols and forms that only work in reference to their underlying associations, underlying associations which can be changed, and which therefore will only hold up for as long as they last. Manipulation always functions on the basis of setting up a mental association with a particular form and then using that form as a disguise while the underlying meaning is altered. The manipulation works because people become attached to form, while failing to notice that the meaning has been changed. Forms and symbols mean absolutely nothing on their own, and are given all power through what they represent and how they are used. This may seem like a simple statement, yet it is important to remind yourself of, as dwelling on it reminds and clarifies for you exactly what things symbolize to you, and brings you closer to a deeper understanding of your self.

So, again we come to the concept of the internal versus the external, mind versus body, spirit versus form and ego.

"The Outer - from the Inner, derives its magnitude -"
-Emily Dickinson

Relatability

It is perpetually frustrating having people like my art who clearly have no understanding or recognition of what it's about. The way people think is so common patterned.. I want to believe they understand and relate, I really do, of course I do, but I cannot feign disappointment like this.. especially when I'm straining to hold on to a sense of relatability.

Answers

When I was still,
for a moment, listen -
I heard my heart speak
And discovered a world inside a world
Which no one else can see

"Childhood"

Elusive Source of Inspiration

I've never felt anything that compares with this.. force. I wish there was a way to capture it, make it flesh and blood..

But maybe that's for the best.
We who know this will recognize each other by soul,
the rest are dead and lost.

"What is it?"

Shells of Social Politics

It is interesting how victim's groups work..

For an example, let's use gender.
The appearance of women, which is used to portray things and manipulate in social movements, is essentially milking certain external aspects of women as compared to men, to use to certain advantages.
That image being used to gain motivation for support is one of being seen traditionally as smaller, meeker, less physically strong, repressed, deprived, powerless and so on. It doesn't matter if it's framed in statements like "Women are physically more resilient!", such a statement is, of course, indicative of the initial underlying perception of women being weaker, smaller, or whatever, and its' tone is meant to be ironic or defiant in the face of perceived social conceptions.

But it is exactly this image that enables many women to run completely amok without checking themselves, sometimes in the most disgustingly arrogant, greedy, power hungry, insensitive, piggish nature of all. The image of Miss Piggy often comes to mind. If the social movements surrounding women I've seen are any indication, there is just no value placed on any of those positive qualities that made women appealing as a victim group in the first place. Instead, positive values are made into an image and then that image is manipulated to promote the opposite values.

In such a context, males on the other hand are sometimes inspired by this exact same dynamic to more frequently keep themselves in check and work on elements of their own equally human arrogance, greed, power and so on, as a result of their portrayal by culture as this big, powerful, insensitive macho monster.

But for whatever truly positive values a person expresses - meekness, sensitivity and so on, and even despite how much more they might have to suffer for it by existing as such a type of male in the face of the larger scheme of a power-hungry male culture, (while simultaneously being appreciated and recognized less) that just doesn't matter to people. People don't see that, people don't care. They only see the shell, and judge by it. And so, oftentimes the disgusting, arrogant waste of life pig who happens to be a woman takes all the credit, repressed status, and so on... simply because of the shell she lives in.. and at times like these, I can only wonder how she would fare if she had been born a man, with the same arrogant attitude.

What can I say about other victim's groups? It amounts to the same things.

It seems that at precisely that moment when a demographic becomes arrogant about their victimhood that things have gone too far and need to be rechecked. When they are pleading and apologizing to society for mentioning anything of it, however, when they honestly feel backwards, ridiculous and embarrassed for even bringing it up, is when it needs to be looked into. Because that embarrassment could indicate true stigma. Which is not a romantic thing at the time that it's actually being perpetrated.

It is a fact of nature that those that are truly struggling, oppressed, and so on, are unrecognized by culture, ridiculed and portrayed as an antagonist and whatnot, and so they will always be, and only recognized when it's too late. To a certain point, people really do need to adopt a contrarian mentality. Just, not when they're being reverse-psychology'd or manipulated into it. Everyone wants to be a rebel, but only when it's fashionable or comfortable.

These qualities of a person, the ones that women on some level outwardly are portrayed as possessing based on their physical stature - qualities of sensitivity and meekness, these are the real values that make a person who they are. These are what is important, not their gender, or their orientation, or any of that bullshit, and these qualities should be valued and spoken on, these alone, and nothing else of a person. I understand now why framing things from these external perspectives, from one side of the ego, labeling oneself a feminist, for example, is a mistake, which only leads to problems. What makes a person valuable is their sensitivity, meekness, their understanding, their non-power hungry nature, their loneliness, and so. I'm not impressed by women who think they're special or ironic by being loud, arrogant, power hungry, ruthless or whatever. Those are the qualities that make a person worthless, and they won't get a free pass from me just because they exist in the body of a woman. This is why I'm not impressed by people's demographical shell at all, anymore. I don't care if they're transsexual, gay, Muslim, Christian, an anti-rape crusader, white nationalist, or whatever. I'm not impressed and I don't give out points for things like that. When I think about it, it's hard to understand that it took me as long as it did to recognize that point and the importance of it. I've seen every form of person used to express a lot of ugliness. People who are constantly portrayed as the victim or alternative are at increased risk of allowing themselves to live unchecked, and so, destructive arrogance often results. You don't have any of my respect until you communicate a truly valuable deeper self.

Maybe it sounds ironic to say given that this is essentially an entry about politics, but this also demonstrates why I have always been so apolitical. This is moreso about picking apart politics and finding the underlying motivations and meaning. I believe that politics largely is symbolic for people and allows them to channel repressed hurt into superficial obsession.

Right now I'm of the opinion that all of these classic "social movements" should be marginalized and people should strive not to see things in such terms, as it only creates conflict. I think, sometimes things in particular do need to be pointed out occasionally, perhaps, as I am here in this post about certain demographics, but only in the face of such ongoing discussions, and only as a segue: quickly redirecting the dialogue into speaking on deeper values, not building another victim culture around a specific superficial demographic, so as not to generate a shallow new social movement susceptible to manipulation. I think this is essentially why I find myself so bothered and revolted whenever people bring up such issues, over and over again. It's a game, a way of knowing nothing of oneself and making strawmen instead, which can be attacked eternally in a war without end.

Intuitive Understanding of Issues

It is unfortunate that I cannot always properly put into words, (or even coherent thought within my own head), the understandings I sometimes have about things. The subtleties, conflicts, complexities, grey areas, moral ambiguities, apparent hypocrisies, etc. If I simply describe it this way, it makes it sound like rationalization of disorder or emotional impulsiveness, but this is not the case. There is a much deeper and overall intelligence at work in humans, which does not always present itself fully to a person's conscious awareness, yet nevertheless can be sensed and understood in situations which are far too complex or elusive to properly or readily explain. This kind of intelligence goes beyond simple formal, up-front, immediate logical arguments, and might be known as "intuition". It also incorporates the weighing and assessing of human emotions at work in situations, which are of course beyond the scope of pure logic but nevertheless work in their own reasoned framework.

People like to shut each other down with simple arguments of logic, pointing out of hypocrisies,  superficial inaccuracies, and generally assessing only the most superficial layer of communication. At face value. An ability to process communication on a deeper level is needed, however. For the speaker, this means listening to the nagging, subtle sense inside yourself of something amiss, or wrong (or right?) you have for a situation, even if on the surface you cannot make an immediate argument and are made to feel absurd for even trying. Remember that all feelings or intuitions come from somewhere that can be reasoned out in some way, so it is at least worth considering them. For the listener, this means being sensitive to the speaker's inner state. To closely listen to the feelings and motivations behind someone's words, even if they cannot properly verbally express them. Or even if their words are laced with apparent hypocrisies or inaccuracies. Or even if the have an undeveloped understanding of themselves, and thus come out with all sorts of defensive/offensive/diverting/projecting/repressing/etc mechanisms in their expression. To not damn them simply for not saying the right thing, the correct thing, the politically correct thing, but to honestly formulate one's own direct understanding of that person, as deeply as possible, and draw honest conclusions.

I'm not talking about being passive, or not judging anyone.. quite the opposite in many cases. Rather, I am talking about, simply, a deeper and more complete attempt at understanding.

People do not want to do this, however, they just want to deal on the most superficial level of interaction, and things are only considered valid if you effectively 'deal' on this level, in simple logical verbal expressions that make a very superficial level of sense. And then manipulation of this surface level follows, to produce any cruelty that can be effectively, socially gotten away with...

Remember our hearts do not lie on this level, nor do our hearts lie, and listening to them changes everything.

"Ego Games"

Archetypes and Meaning

A common correlation attributed to people of great intelligence, talent, or ability is often the idea that they lack social intelligence, sort of almost as a compensation for their increased abilities.

This is a classic perception that is quite widespread. The "compensation" for their increased abilities is not often attributed to other areas, but rather mostly just social ability, social power and integration.

Many brilliant people accept this assessment for themselves, we even describe it clinically in terms of things like Autism, Asperger's and the concept of a savant.

It is my assertion that this is bullshit, disguised as biological objective insight.
It's really nothing different, fundamentally, from the people who see someone being smart, perhaps someone who is beating them in an intellectually demanding game, and react by making primitive remarks about that person's sex life, their loser status, and so on.

The dull masses can't accept that increased intelligence and sensitivity creates certain conditions in the given (dulled) social world: more awareness, for example in conversation, which can often create certain sensitivities that make it harder to communicate with or tolerate a more base human, and which is often quite reversed when two such intelligent and sensitive individuals communicate. ("Sensitivity" can be seen as another word for intelligence.) It is increased social intelligence and sensitivity that they possess, not the opposite. There also can be some lack of social integration: a lack of concern with social hierarchy and practicing gearing oneself towards advancing in such an area; more concern with deeper mental pursuits rather than practicing base social integration, and thus a loss at "knowing what to say." If a highly intelligent person willingly turns their abilities towards proliferating in such social pursuits, they can often be particularly successful/capable, but if they are smart enough, they are not as likely to desire to, and perhaps cannot even stand to, even despite painful alienation and isolation. To put it more bluntly, increased intelligence is not conductive to whore society, and in fact such base power-hungry behavior is mindless and primitive. That being socially power-hungry or promiscuous is ingenuine and stupid. Further, that whore culture is predatory and destructive towards intelligence and sensitivity.

Those who are part of the masses do not generally characterize themselves as dulled defects or in need of a diagnosis, even when they are clearly the ones deficient compared to a minority. (nor do they want to admit to such a thing) and so we have the little lies and subconscious rhetoric to silence everyone from addressing the issue. One good example of this at work are the accusations of "insecurity" or "confidence".

This essentially describes the classic nerd/jock archetype. In fact, it really underlies basically everything, as the social creatures that we are, based on evolution's procreative demands. For example, let's take a look at the social movement surrounding homosexuality. Being gay is seen as something that carries a stigma, and this is the basis of the movement, the arguments. But this stigma is essentially the same sort of maligned social power that runs into problems with the power hungry, sexualized base nature of humanity. The oppressed sense usually associated with "being gay" is essentially a convoluted, external representation of this underlying sense of social malignment, (a representation: only an image, which does not have to fundamentally be the same thing despite its' appearance) and people harness the issue in both directions, either to channel vulnerable concerns about social isolation/poverty into something easier/"cooler" to talk about, (homosexuality being more comfortable to talk about then virginity) or to mask the cruelty of their promiscuity and greed by creating the image of being accepting and loving. Note the way people constantly use words like "inclusive" or "dysphoria" to pander around when speaking of homosexuality... they are trying to play off your own lonely, alienated vulnerabilities, whether for good or for bad. of course, both types will also speak against homosexuality for similar reasons. By channeling underlying, repressed concerns into a superficial image, manipulation becomes possible and confusion flourishes.

If this sounds like strange nonsense to you, consider this: When people call someone a "fag", for example, they are often referring to a person's social state, not their orientation. They are referring to these same "nerd" archetypes that I have discussed, in the classic "nerd/jock" dichotomy. They are referring to the "losers". When they call such people "fags", they are expressing their own desired social dominance over that person's lack of social power. They are emphasising the humiliation that comes with virginal and vulnerable qualities. Perhaps the unspeakably uncomfortable sense they carry over a guy's proximity from female bodies. (or vice versa) In fact, I have seen people do this (numerous times) while simultaneously apologizing for using the word "fag", as it pertains to literal homosexuality. Look at people in forums or games online, who use these words constantly. Look at the classic portrayed example of fathers who call their sons faggots and see them as defective based on their more sensitive, meek or introverted qualities, such as the gentle kid who stays home writing sentimental poetry.

The topic of homosexuality in society, like so many other topics, is mostly just kind of a convoluted adopted shell to channel these underlying issues, stigmas and instincts into, without having to talk about them directly. A distraction, which fascinates and can never really come to a conclusion because no one will really admit what they are actually trying to talk about. Not even to themselves. What important underlying values (or lack thereof) motivate them to speak passionately one way or the other.

And, like I said, that is just one example. I can point out the same phenomenon in aspects of topics such as sexism, racism, "nerd culture", politics, rape, bullying, mental illness, economics, religion, fashion, and on and on.
And people use all of these topics in both directions to manipulate the issue in different ways. Look at how so-called "nerd culture" has become this huge, popular thing, and there is sort of this unspoken sense of irony that comes with that.. the arguments about what it means to be a "true nerd" or the presence of slutty behavior, within nerd culture. Look at the way people will adopt calling themselves a nerd almost as a badge to subconsciously prove something about themselves to others, as if adopting the shell makes them a more genuine person in some way. It's all really quite ridiculous. With any self-honesty, we know what the original meaning behind being a "nerd" was about, that made it what it was: having an interest in those things that bear proximity from sex or body, social power, more mind-based pursuits, which put those individuals at a certain position of diminishment in the social spectrum. Those interests that heavily wrapped them up in their own alien world. So, classically speaking, being interested in chess made you a nerd, being interested in football did not. Having no social life made you a nerd, having a girlfriend did not. Interests pertaining to the "nerd" exterior can shift somewhat, however, as we have seen with things like comic book culture and its massive popularity, endless 'Hollywood' superhero movies, huge conventions, the cheerleader-like cosplayers, people trying to prove how "nerd" they are to gain social acceptance, and so on; and thus, the sense that the meaning has been lost.

This - this social state - is the only real, positive meaning that being a "nerd" ever had, the rest is just the associated shell, which people can adopt, without actually encompassing any of the meaning, and which, over time, can even be reversed to contain the exact opposite meaning. As with the topic of homosexuality, it's just a shell, an appearance with an initial underlying meaning which can be lost or bastardized. That meaning is the only thing of importance, appearances are useless and should be discarded in pursuit of the internal value of things.

Everything is about the give and take of love: its' abuse and bastardization; love, meekness and sentiment vs. ego and power; and denial, repression and manipulation by a society that is overwhelmingly guilty and unaware of itself.

Quantum Physics

Quantum Mechanics and Relativity, when faced head on, without looking away, demonstrate the fundamental nature of existence to be far, far stranger and more surreal then any sleeping dream I could imagine. Things like religion do not begin to compare to the 'magical' nature of lucid reality.

Science carries with it a very cold, empty feeling, but upon close examination it can be utterly enchanting and, dare I say, spiritual.

I have always hypothesized that the greatest argument I have for 'god' or spiritual reality, is the fact that I have the conception of such a thing to begin with. A hole in my soul. Would a machine, a computer, grow such a thing on its' own? Where could that have come from, but a much deeper level of reality then that which we are used to?

I am conscious, I watch my own existence and experience, and that is something that requires a far deeper level of the nature of reality than the classical one we are used to.. From this perspective there is little need to distinguish between spirituality and science, rather we are simply just scratching the surface of reality with science.

"Supermassive Black Hole NGC 4889"

Compartmentalization of Intelligence

It's fascinating,
How much skill, talent, intelligence, and awareness people can show for their trade, their job, their hobbies, or sport. And such a thing is very common. Or at least that's my opinion.. I've had twenty different jobs in my life, and there are just so many people that are highly specialized with their own trade, really know what's going on and notice all these little details which would be lost on me at the point of entry. From this perspective, so many people really seem smart and skilled.

Really, people can be quite perceptive.

But when it comes to their personal life, to the big mysteries of life, the big questions, or philosophy, none of that intelligence translates, and can't be said to reflect how... wise, let's say, a person is.

I could just be motivated to say this to convince myself that I shouldn't be intimidated by people's skills shown in school, work, and recreation, but I think I can demonstrate very clearly that this is true using one example:

Here are some statistics on religion I quickly looked up:

Christianity	2.2 billion
Islam	1.6 billion
Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist	≤1.1 billion
Hinduism	1 billion
Chinese traditional religion	394 million
Buddhism	376 million

...And so on (statistics continue in smaller amounts)

The theology/ideology of these thought systems, (despite anyone's ideas of "coexistence"), is fundamentally divided. These are all (or mostly all) major life/universe views which cannot be reconciled with each other, when looked at for exactly what they are. So for any single one of these groups to be even generally correct, makes all the others wrong.

Even if we wanted to take the most popular group, Christianity, and say that it may be true, we have to account for different divisions within this group, as with all the others. That doesn't even leave a lot of people in the world who see the truth very clearly.

I suppose you can sort of take, perhaps, Buddhism and say that it could more or less be compatible with agnosticism or secular religions, but not much else. The best way I can see this, would be if all the agnostics and more generally nondescript spiritual groups (such as Buddhism, which does not necessarily require hardcore specific dogma) were correct.. which would give us maybe a Billion people or so, possibly.

But this still leaves billions of people that are just plain wrong. Think about that..

Lots of arguments can be made. People could say that people don't take their religion too seriously, it's just a cultural thing, a family thing, they haven't studied it, and so on.

But how much can a person be said to have figured out about these deep questions if they haven't even studied it? If they don't even care and just absent-mindedly accept a doctrine as specific as a particular human/s or demigods being a crucial part of a grand specific dogmatic theme, as with Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, and so on?

It just goes to show the lost nature of humanity. That you can't just trust that people mostly know what they're doing, and have it generally figured out.
It's a massive trainwreck, it's utter chaos, is what it is! Figure it out solely alone, and don't let anyone intimidate you!

Alienation

No one understands. No one.
I'm supposed to cringe at myself for saying such a thing, "what a cliche thing to say." "So emo." "That's totally not fashionable." "It lacks a certain self-superioristic sense abou--"
No! Fuck you, no one understands.
I look honestly for people to understand.. they always betray. I didn't want it to be this way. I betrayed myself a hundred thousand times trying to pretend like it's not really this way, that people can relate, that they are a deep friend who knows what I do. Those who maintain constant awareness are nary around. Only a brief rare moment, here.. maybe way over there, once, possibly twice.. then, gone.
They see my gripe, and tell me, "I understand"
No, we are alone.

Nothing Will Replace Love

Pitiful humans, always changing the form, onto a new "revolution", a new appearance, you can manipulate and rearrange race, gender, orientation, religion, talk about politics, bullying, rape, and so on all you want, but nothing will ever change, because the underlying meaning is lost, escaped, even specifically by playing games with the form. Don't these apes ever get tired of the merry go round? Because I am fed up and overflowing at the brim, and this is not a place a person comes back from. you're all so useless. No one cares about giving real validation, just manipulating form to escape guilt. You keep manipulating, a spectacle, a display, but you can never replace a lack of love by changing its form. You dress up and make a whore look lovely, but not all of us will be fooled, and in our hearts we cannot escape the deepest betrayal of our humanity. And those of us who know what love is do not even need bother with appearances.

Exactly What I Wanted

There are those moments of realizing just how much resistance there is to various opinions of mine, or how alone I am in such ideas, and the fear and intimidation that results.. making me feel more feeble in my opinion. Questioning myself, backtracking..

In these moments of doubt I realize just how psychologically weak and susceptible we as humans really are.

But then I remember that this is kind of the beauty in it, this ability to have my own ideas, and be unique, think for myself, rebel, etc. This is where it comes into practice for real. And if there wasn't resistance then such a sense would only be false.. it would only be a bullshit rebellion, an image. Like the ones we so often carry, the ones which are sold to us everyday on TV. Which is a very worthless and hollow thing. The fact that people resist my ideas confirms their novelty. And with this thought, strength comes back to me.

Of course, I would have it that everyone accepted me entirely, and we could all be in agreement, but given that what we have is not working, I need the assurance that what I am doing is something different, something novel and originating from my self.

Common consensus could be seen as a powerful proving force for ideas..
But I think just the opposite is true.
Those ideas which people have, in painful resistance to everyone else, but which they nevertheless still cannot relinquish, are obviously based on something very strong, in order to survive so much..

Imitation Nonconformity

Can you truly teach wisdom?
Those who listen to you as an authority have already failed.

A helpful voice can bring helpful encouragement, which is appreciated,
but a true hero contradicts every pressure outside of them to follow their heart.

Perhaps we need the grand lie of culture, or there wouldn't be a lesson.

Another reason for solitude... solitude allows one to approach their self, less hindered.

Oh but why?
why why why..??

Suppression of Subconscious (or, Dishonesty)

We don't want the truth, we want a portrayal of truth that we feel most comfortable with.
We set up a superficial structure of the truth that we want to, in arguments, and we are content to let that structure be the truth for us. If we can word things in a way that sounds logical or good enough on the surface, that is all we care about, so we can avoid guilt, responsibility, ugliness and so on.
We would even like to believe truth is subjective and can be created by each user.

This lack of self-honesty is a sin.

I want the truth, no matter how ugly or foreign it might seem,
but perhaps I am a liar, too.

"Implant"

The Superficial Perception of Human Value

There is nothing in the world so backwards and destructive as humanities' habit of defining it's own value, "security", in terms of the love it harvests and collects rather than the love it gives, and - as a result of such a bastardization of human value - being aggravatingly forever unable to recognize the basic value of those deeply stigmatized, deprived, "insecure" souls that are actually worth something.

...And all the other countless splinters of profound hypocrisy that result from this one denial.

"(BOWL XIV) Uncommon Souls II"

But despite all lies,
  worth and value is something a whore will never know.

Freedom and Slavery

The realization, over the past few years, that I am stuck in a world with a bunch of animals, constantly lost yet all in power, and there is no fairy godmother that is going to make everything all right. Oddly liberating, in a way..

"Gentle"

What people mostly take for granted turns out to be lies. Discussions you see going on often reflect the attempt by people to control and manipulate each other, through guilt, fear, semantics of logic, and so on. It's not simply something perpetrated by the government, nor any other conspiracy cliche, but by the people. We create culture through whoever comes out on top, and those who speak most arrogantly and power-hungerdly mainly win, and then lie, create the image of the "norm", make themselves the winners, and the rest are unheard, becoming basically unknown and considered non-existent, and wrong, and we are afraid to question what is taken for granted because it is taken for granted.... conformity is a severely powerful force, for some reason our minds always desperately try to synchronize with the sum of influence around us.

Our brains are incapable of understanding the truth, we see little small aspects of understanding, we get lost in anxieties and a monster of different subconscious things, and as a result form attachments to false things which should be obviously false to us, like particular religious dogma or politics or social movements, in an attempt to maintain our sanity, mimicking like apes. We channel anxiety into careers and sham marriages as a way of creating false hope, and do not have the courage to question ourselves. We are hypnotized by stupid little memes and products we see, thinking that they are important because of false reasons like popularity, worse still is the way we are hypnotized by the images of body, money, and other forms of status and power that we are in competition for. We mass stigmatize vulnerabilities of very touchy things in ourselves so that we are unable to confront real problems, and carry anxieties from them over into other things which we blindly feud about. In such feuds we get lost in manipulations of logic by the rule structures we set up for ourselves and severely confuse ourselves until we can't even think straight. We idolize all sorts of lifestyles as a dead-end way of trying to escape and hope for something new. We look for guilt or mistakes in others often as a way of just taking our attention off ourselves and our own problems, so that we can feel good about judging another. We get high on this, and some people live out entire portions of their life in such a mind frame. We see our personal talents or even superficialities like beauty, and through them convince ourselves that our life has special meaning that will result in something special happening, or we just get high on the ego sense we get from that, too. We adopt ideologies for ourselves merely as a way of trying to prove ourselves to others over arguments in our heads. We believe what we are shown and told by people who intimidate us and our vulnerabilities, and so repress understandings about ourselves, within ourselves, and as a result misinterpret situations constantly. We get hung up on stupid little things in our heads and obsessively fester over them, because anxiety pushes us to and we do not have the mental presence to direct ourselves otherwise, and then we deny that such things are happening, even to ourselves, because of false images of human nature that are pushed with intimidation in society. We are hopelessly unable to admit that we behave in all these ways, desperately wanting to believe that our mind is functioning in a godly way, not like that of a severely lost and influence-subjugated animal. We believe ourselves as humans to be special gods of the universe that understand things with perfect logic and reason, when really we are just imitating what we've seen handed around in different places. We imagine ourselves to think freely or radically while secretly operating on the principle that might and conformity makes right. This colors our perceptions of what we stigmatize and demonize and attach guilt to, which turns out to more often be far more based on conformity and social constructs, what is accepted and taken for granted and in popular usage, rather than anything else. Even when paradigms shift and the former criminals become the new heroes, (or vice versa) we believe that we have made a legitimate meaningful change of mind, when really we are just continuing to conform under social pressure and existing power structure. We get hung up on guilts and fears and end up projecting them onto others and letting such things control all our actions.

etcetera,
     etcetera.

We're just a bunch of primitive animals, a bunch of scared children shooting in the dark, and no one is looking out for us.

No more lies. I want the truth, no matter what it is.

"Blood I - American Burqa"