What can I say?

Phony optimism, phony hope, trite inspirational quotes shared around online, which sound pretty and life changing, but change nothing.. They're like candy, they get people high on some half-witty little statement about life that's just a lie, giving them a plastic sense of hope. They get their fix, and then they're back next week for another, but nothing is different. It's like when people say how this or that musician changed their life. Saved them. "I wouldn't be alive right now".. and this they always say with slurring words, as they drink themselves into oblivion in their pointless mess of a life.

My mind recognizes patterns. All human minds do, we are incredible pattern-recognizing machines. So when it comes to salvation, to happiness, meaning, I can't help but observe the events unfolding in my life, and it's always - trying to analyze the data, what's happening.. is this something special? I'll do something new, something I haven't done before, or haven't gone as far in, or whatever, I'll see this or that situation, this or that success, failure, odd event, different event, and my mind is always analyzing it, like, "am I on the path to meaning?" "does this mean something special?" "Am I finally making real, meaningful, substantial progress, spiritually?" But of course, it's never anything. I am here wasting time with this elaborate mental structure that tricks me into wasting a life's worth of time.

The world is full of phony romances, I have not observed otherwise, not once. People are lying to themselves, out of desperation.
And isn't religion kind of the same? Romance and religion, they go hand in hand, on a deeper level. We are looking for completion, one way or another. I mean what is 'god'? For me, the meaning in it is the idea of a being which can love me and lead me and overall complete me, and finally make me not feel alone, for once truly not alone. And we as people tell ourselves constantly, you know, this new system, this new theology, religion, this new romance, we've finally figured it out, we've finally found completion. But we're lying to ourselves in desperation. We're phony whores and it cheapens us and it cheapens the value in existence. But maybe if you stay together long enough, maybe if you stick it out it will come true? But it won't. We're trying desperately to be in love, telling everything to ourselves to convince ourselves, when we do not truly honestly feel it.

And worldly justice: if you're really good and you really believe.. well, there are still no promises. Do not be fooled by the lies - the world does operate by cruel social hierarchies which are not only just unfair, but which punish the meek and loving most. That is not to say "oh we know that, just keep trying, it will eventually turn out", "you've just got to believe or.. or keep suffering forever, and then it will work."
Like, oh, I'm sorry, was I caring wrong? Was it not enough that I gave while you took?
No, it is corrupt to the bones and sometimes will destroy well more then just a small helping of justice. You will not get what you put in.

Don't entertain the lies they tell you in the stories they show you, about people getting what they deserve. You don't have to feel like a big bad negativity jerk for not buying it. (if) You're not the one who made the world this way.

Oh, and self improvement, here we go. College, career, working out, raising kids, the channeling of oneself into a task and watching of its results as a way of simulating the experience of the illusion of improvement, progress, in one's existence in this realm. To subtly make oneself feel they are progressing on the deeper meaningful level too.
And, watching the "progress" of humanity, the development of nations, technology, exploration, science, etc. It's the same thing.

And you'll find a huge amount of lies in all of the religions, and all of the drugs, and all of the life-changing lifestyles, self-help books, music lifestyles, etc. It's multiplicity, it's insanity, the human organism desperately looking for answers and branching out into every conceivable possibility, but finding nothing.

Someday you will die, and it is indeed possible it will be quite senseless. You will not gain a sense of completion or purpose to life simply by getting older, being old, living a long life, "full life".. You will be left with the same non-answers you have now, and wonder "what was the point of this?" as your candlelight is burning out.

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing"
(Shakespeare)

"— (3:14. everything that god made, that will be forever.) "

People like to ridicule this, they say, "yeah we all know, tell us something new Ben"
Or they say, "Man you've got to change your attitude"
As if to imply my seeking hasn't been honest enough, selfless enough, intelligent enough, or otherwise. But when I look I observe that it's exactly those things that have precisely formed my attitude?

What is passed off as positivity I perceive less to be good, and more often to be an attack on the truth. You want me to forget all that I have learned. You want me to be weak and relinquish the answers I have honestly observed, in favor of drunken-ing myself towards some positive outlook, like maybe everything will be ok in situations in which it won't, like sedating myself for a time.. Mulling the positive lies over in my mind until I can't help but find myself back in this predicament, ultimately remaining lost. Forever. No! I won't accept it and I don't feel guilty for my negativity. Why should I even? I don't want to close my eyes on what I have learned, because I fear that if I do, an entire picture will never form and I'll never understand existence. That I'll just be stuck in a permanent cycle of lies and false progress, forever. Do you understand what it means to say you want the truth, you want answers, understanding, fulfillment, and won't tolerate waiting a second longer than you judge you have to? And maybe an entire picture will never form. Maybe it's not even possible, I have to be willing to accept that.

I find the optimism and show the world makes to be so ugly.. always on to some new thing, some trendy thing, but it's always just the same old nothing, and unbearably stale. It's just the damn phoniness that revolts me.

"Pineal Cones, Stars, Eternal Loneliness & Overwhelming Insignificance"

Why does every path seem to be a dead end to no answers? False hope? What is a conceivable purpose for this nature? I'd rather not trade in the latest one for another lie. I don't want to be old and still mulling over the same garbage. What kind of lives are these that we lead?