to be honest, passionate, emotional, to have these feelings and take them seriously,
I run the risk of looking childish.
It's like with my old hipster "friends" and acquaintances. Where everything is held at arms length with them. They are too advanced for emotions and vulnerability, they cannot be in touch with themselves. And for being otherwise I was at best a bit ridiculous to them. I really think that above all other adjectives, "insincere" describes the hipster best. As well as most others. They think they're something new and special. They're not. They are a primitive-at-heart albeit sophisticated attempt to gain superiority, and are horrified by vulnerability.. They've got a million judgments for everything that they think sets them apart from and above the rest. They're desperate for that high, but it just makes them soulless.
Do you see what people are trying to do? They're trying to castrate my soul. I'm supposed to try to fit in, prove myself to others, and as long as I remain emotional and have these passions, as long as I take these passions I feel seriously, as long as I take anything I feel seriously and don't put it beneath me, I'm lost to them.
I hate them. I hate their phoniness, I don't know how they can stand to be who they are. They gather around the sofa to watch a movie and flauntingly talk about pop culture references, thinking they're so cultured and so advanced. And never in their conversations does any sense of genuine feeling enter, it's just a constant orgy of trying to feel superior with each other. They're disgusting. I can't recall ever in my life being able to keep that act up for more than two minutes. It makes me feel like a whore piece of shit and meanwhile I feel my soul strangling. I've got these feelings and longings inside me and they've never been able to be very quiet. I have got to be passionate and feel that meaning or I can't stand the thought of my existence. Why are we trying to drown out our emotions like that? It's despicable.
So I am childish, and cannot let the fear of this judgment alter me. And by recognizing this consciously I can look at this accusation and disarm any defensiveness I would have about it - I can say yes, I am childish; I believe in it.
I feel like in writing all this, merely the way I write these entries, the way I intellectualize things, I fear may be enough to betray myself, even. I know that to others, for my art, for my feelings, for my desperate search, I am childish, and this is at least partly kind of defensiveness over it. I want these idiots to know that I'm aware and thinking about it, and even understand it to quite some depth, but still defend it.
But I also hear my heart speaking. And there's this passion that screams words I can only imagine from where, saying the most incredible things, surprising me most of all, and when I can find a moment to let it go and really speak what it will, unadulterated and unrestrained, I can't believe what I hear and how much it hits me what I really feel. And in that is the overwhelming knowledge of who I am and what I want to be. And I don't want to be this petty garbage, I don't want to allow my soul to be silenced, not even if it means dragging the whole world down with me. I love this person that's inside of me, the way he speaks openly against every influence in the whole world, managing to gasp out, profoundly, an actual unique thought. A truly unique thought, as this comes from a place so abstract and at the overcoming of all influence. I love the way this person inside me recognizes that life is not worth a god damn without the underlying meaning of the passions and emotions that can only be seen in self-honesty and an in-touch nature. I love the way this person inside demands that I listen to him and not back down and not shut up, even while on a more shallow level I remain hesitant. I can hear the ridicule I incur for speaking passionately, in any instance I may choose to, yet I love that this guy inside me cheers me on anyways because he recognizes that this is worth more then that concern, and I am only betraying myself in the end with concerns of such non-childish, "adulthood" vanity.
And it's like, what is all this adulthood bullshit, anyways?
"Maturity", yeah. It's just like, lose contact with yourself and the passions you really feel. Deny yourself, your dreams and innocence, sell out, be advanced, become desensitized, and deny everything. Grab a phony romance and do the bare minimum to keep it "stable", to prove to the world that you're "well adjusted" and doing ok, a "success", and claim there's no turmoil going on down there. Are you kidding me? Is that what we came to this planet for? How can we justify this?
And that's what they mean by maturity. That's seriously what it amounts to, becoming a whore. They won't tell you openly, but there's no choice, you are to deny your innocent dreams, and what love intrinsically means & the ferocity with which it can only speak. The only volume level it knows. To tone down such passions until you take them casually, and allow them to be used and destroyed. And in that is the destruction of the meaning of love, and in the destruction of love is the destruction of all of life.
My parents and culture in general always pushed me down the path of career, success and all that nonsense. All I could ever think about my whole life has been the way I have seen love constantly being destroyed around me. Don't they know that's the only thing that actually matters? I'm supposed to get a solid career going, for what? So I can soak in all that material security and just be miserable in a nice big house? Like it's supposed to make me happy despite the central point of life being destroyed? I can't understand why people like my parents were so hung up on that crap, trying to get me to "succeed", while I was just constantly miserable! And never a thought given to that, not once. At least not in any other context than treating it like a defect to be coldly fixed by some psychiatric institution so I can get back on my worker ant track. Like, isn't this the point of life? Doesn't that come first? Love and happiness? The whole central thing. Am I just a worker ant to them? It's all just evolutionary instincts, everything they operate on. It's the whole school culture idea, this false association we made between education (training/prepping) and a bright future. Like we're building a future by doing this. Like this is important or something. Like it's going somewhere in the end. All a big illusory construct.. Fuck you, I'm not happy! When did that become so unimportant?
But that's adulthood. Just the act of making the world soulless.
There's no reason it had to be this way.
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| "Childhood" |
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