Spinning through Darkness

We are spinning around on a piece of dust in utter darkness, by mere freak chance holding orbit over a giant ball of hellish fire, lost in a sea so big we can't even see the end of it, far too far from other civilizations to ever reach them, as a species, facing certain extinction. As humans, left to a world of brutality, with no one to guide us, no true adult that can show us the way, as we learn upon becoming adults ourselves, and realizing we are still just lost children, no one we can really confide in, every romance appears to be phony. There is no safety, assurance, certainty, or rest in anything. Everything dies, everything becomes disordered, the laws of thermodynamics ensure that everything will dissipate into nothing, that nothing lasts, every meal is fought for, nothing is sustained, everything at a cost. Everything is separated, and vastly far apart, and lost in unimaginable numbers. It's all behind the feeling you get looking at the stars, the overwhelming sense of smallness, that momentary awareness of intense existential loneliness which we quickly hide from and deny. It's all a very ugly, horrifying dream of terrible existential loneliness - Worst of all the loneliness. The sense that no one is there, that god has abandoned you in this place. For what purpose, no one knows why. If this awareness creeps up on you at the wrong moment - lying in bed at night, far from home, alone, the fear is so immense that it can be paralyzing. The universe.. I don't so much understand calling 'beautiful'... It's like a dream of calling out into a gargantuan void of darkness, cold and starving, and no one, and no god is there to answer.

Stranger still is how romantically attracted I am to the overwhelming existential loneliness. I can never escape the sense that it means something equally overwhelming. I don't run from the lonely sense I get staring up at the stars at night, like a coward running into the house to turn on all the lights and make a bunch of noise. I get lost in and fixated on this emptiness.. And somewhere in it get the vague and fleeting sense of something beyond.

"Pineal Cones, Stars, Eternal Loneliness & Overwhelming Insignificance"