Nothing Will Replace Love

Pitiful humans, always changing the form, onto a new "revolution", a new appearance, you can manipulate and rearrange race, gender, orientation, religion, talk about politics, bullying, rape, and so on all you want, but nothing will ever change, because the underlying meaning is lost, escaped, even specifically by playing games with the form. Don't these apes ever get tired of the merry go round? Because I am fed up and overflowing at the brim, and this is not a place a person comes back from. you're all so useless. No one cares about giving real validation, just manipulating form to escape guilt. You keep manipulating, a spectacle, a display, but you can never replace a lack of love by changing its form. You dress up and make a whore look lovely, but not all of us will be fooled, and in our hearts we cannot escape the deepest betrayal of our humanity. And those of us who know what love is do not even need bother with appearances.

Exactly What I Wanted

There are those moments of realizing just how much resistance there is to various opinions of mine, or how alone I am in such ideas, and the fear and intimidation that results.. making me feel more feeble in my opinion. Questioning myself, backtracking..

In these moments of doubt I realize just how psychologically weak and susceptible we as humans really are.

But then I remember that this is kind of the beauty in it, this ability to have my own ideas, and be unique, think for myself, rebel, etc. This is where it comes into practice for real. And if there wasn't resistance then such a sense would only be false.. it would only be a bullshit rebellion, an image. Like the ones we so often carry, the ones which are sold to us everyday on TV. Which is a very worthless and hollow thing. The fact that people resist my ideas confirms their novelty. And with this thought, strength comes back to me.

Of course, I would have it that everyone accepted me entirely, and we could all be in agreement, but given that what we have is not working, I need the assurance that what I am doing is something different, something novel and originating from my self.

Common consensus could be seen as a powerful proving force for ideas..
But I think just the opposite is true.
Those ideas which people have, in painful resistance to everyone else, but which they nevertheless still cannot relinquish, are obviously based on something very strong, in order to survive so much..

Imitation Nonconformity

Can you truly teach wisdom?
Those who listen to you as an authority have already failed.

A helpful voice can bring helpful encouragement, which is appreciated,
but a true hero contradicts every pressure outside of them to follow their heart.

Perhaps we need the grand lie of culture, or there wouldn't be a lesson.

Another reason for solitude... solitude allows one to approach their self, less hindered.

Oh but why?
why why why..??

Suppression of Subconscious (or, Dishonesty)

We don't want the truth, we want a portrayal of truth that we feel most comfortable with.
We set up a superficial structure of the truth that we want to, in arguments, and we are content to let that structure be the truth for us. If we can word things in a way that sounds logical or good enough on the surface, that is all we care about, so we can avoid guilt, responsibility, ugliness and so on.
We would even like to believe truth is subjective and can be created by each user.

This lack of self-honesty is a sin.

I want the truth, no matter how ugly or foreign it might seem,
but perhaps I am a liar, too.

"Implant"

The Superficial Perception of Human Value

There is nothing in the world so backwards and destructive as humanities' habit of defining it's own value, "security", in terms of the love it harvests and collects rather than the love it gives, and - as a result of such a bastardization of human value - being aggravatingly forever unable to recognize the basic value of those deeply stigmatized, deprived, "insecure" souls that are actually worth something.

...And all the other countless splinters of profound hypocrisy that result from this one denial.

"(BOWL XIV) Uncommon Souls II"

But despite all lies,
  worth and value is something a whore will never know.

Freedom and Slavery

The realization, over the past few years, that I am stuck in a world with a bunch of animals, constantly lost yet all in power, and there is no fairy godmother that is going to make everything all right. Oddly liberating, in a way..

"Gentle"

What people mostly take for granted turns out to be lies. Discussions you see going on often reflect the attempt by people to control and manipulate each other, through guilt, fear, semantics of logic, and so on. It's not simply something perpetrated by the government, nor any other conspiracy cliche, but by the people. We create culture through whoever comes out on top, and those who speak most arrogantly and power-hungerdly mainly win, and then lie, create the image of the "norm", make themselves the winners, and the rest are unheard, becoming basically unknown and considered non-existent, and wrong, and we are afraid to question what is taken for granted because it is taken for granted.... conformity is a severely powerful force, for some reason our minds always desperately try to synchronize with the sum of influence around us.

Our brains are incapable of understanding the truth, we see little small aspects of understanding, we get lost in anxieties and a monster of different subconscious things, and as a result form attachments to false things which should be obviously false to us, like particular religious dogma or politics or social movements, in an attempt to maintain our sanity, mimicking like apes. We channel anxiety into careers and sham marriages as a way of creating false hope, and do not have the courage to question ourselves. We are hypnotized by stupid little memes and products we see, thinking that they are important because of false reasons like popularity, worse still is the way we are hypnotized by the images of body, money, and other forms of status and power that we are in competition for. We mass stigmatize vulnerabilities of very touchy things in ourselves so that we are unable to confront real problems, and carry anxieties from them over into other things which we blindly feud about. In such feuds we get lost in manipulations of logic by the rule structures we set up for ourselves and severely confuse ourselves until we can't even think straight. We idolize all sorts of lifestyles as a dead-end way of trying to escape and hope for something new. We look for guilt or mistakes in others often as a way of just taking our attention off ourselves and our own problems, so that we can feel good about judging another. We get high on this, and some people live out entire portions of their life in such a mind frame. We see our personal talents or even superficialities like beauty, and through them convince ourselves that our life has special meaning that will result in something special happening, or we just get high on the ego sense we get from that, too. We adopt ideologies for ourselves merely as a way of trying to prove ourselves to others over arguments in our heads. We believe what we are shown and told by people who intimidate us and our vulnerabilities, and so repress understandings about ourselves, within ourselves, and as a result misinterpret situations constantly. We get hung up on stupid little things in our heads and obsessively fester over them, because anxiety pushes us to and we do not have the mental presence to direct ourselves otherwise, and then we deny that such things are happening, even to ourselves, because of false images of human nature that are pushed with intimidation in society. We are hopelessly unable to admit that we behave in all these ways, desperately wanting to believe that our mind is functioning in a godly way, not like that of a severely lost and influence-subjugated animal. We believe ourselves as humans to be special gods of the universe that understand things with perfect logic and reason, when really we are just imitating what we've seen handed around in different places. We imagine ourselves to think freely or radically while secretly operating on the principle that might and conformity makes right. This colors our perceptions of what we stigmatize and demonize and attach guilt to, which turns out to more often be far more based on conformity and social constructs, what is accepted and taken for granted and in popular usage, rather than anything else. Even when paradigms shift and the former criminals become the new heroes, (or vice versa) we believe that we have made a legitimate meaningful change of mind, when really we are just continuing to conform under social pressure and existing power structure. We get hung up on guilts and fears and end up projecting them onto others and letting such things control all our actions.

etcetera,
     etcetera.

We're just a bunch of primitive animals, a bunch of scared children shooting in the dark, and no one is looking out for us.

No more lies. I want the truth, no matter what it is.

"Blood I - American Burqa"

Lies of the Human

So it is the same with all of us that look inside
and find the truth so much different than what we are being shown.

"Childhood"

I am not alone ..

Stream of Consciousness IV

More stuff I typed out originally just for myself.. older than the other stuff, I think. An excerpt, this time less jargon; more poem-like.

---

"I find solace in those escapist poets that speak of great things on the horizon of their mind,
like childhood dreams, locked away in long-dormant recess of the mind, waiting to be dusted off and rediscovered.
To be at that moment of conception when everything was safe, and everything would be ok,
when my world was my own, and people existed to give each other fulfillment, and respect that space.
who taught them to exploit? And then to excuse it? I'll never understand people. You all grew up in a different world from me.
though you call it the real world; I call it the world you destroyed."

"Only (II - Burn the Akashic Records)"

A True Prayer

To my true self,
to my deeper spirit,
to god,
or whoever I should plead,

Let me find understanding.
let me know the secret reasons and motives.

Let me see things fundamentally,
and completely.

Let me know what has value, and what does not.

Let my mind not get hung up on single topics, with no advance.

Let my understanding be of free intelligent analytic nature,
not of false rules, black-and-white, nor unwarranted simplicity nor complexity.

Let me be honest with myself.

Let me not be afraid to acknowledge and become aware of all thoughts that go through my mind,
no matter how vulnerable, no matter how subtle, no matter how embarrassing.

Let me lose those thoughts which are useless, wrong, or false.

Let me not forget what I learn.
Let me grow without illusion.

Let me not be content with distractions,
and other hollow things.

Let me find fulfillment and peace,
in honesty, with guilt truly reconciled.

Let me not use conformity or relativity as an excuse
to be psychologically lazy, or weak,
to excuse not growing,
or as a basis for my philosophy.

Let the thoughts of others and such social pressures mean nothing to me,
in my understanding of truth.
Let me not be afraid to be different.

Let me achieve whatever it is I should be, think, or do,
with no regard for anything else,
neither useless fears of my own nor false social guilt.
let such things be flies against me.

Let me lose ego, and arrogance, and greed, and all other mistakes of psychology.

Let me do this all with greatest possible speed.

If I cannot grow by seeking these things, in this way, then what else can I truly do?

Whatever it is, let me know it,
let me do it.

And if I cannot reach these things even then, then let me die.



I lie in bed at night and ask...

"(BOWL X) Body Which Does Blind"

Cold Fulfillment

Does everyone have such a poor understanding of themselves, that every negative feeling they experience(outside of ones which are most based on socially acceptable problems) becomes a "disorder", "disease", "sickness", some kind of defect? As if it's just some sort of misfiring chemicals in a biological process unique to some failure of genetics particular to themselves.

And yet everybody's got something..

"Existential Despair"

So, if you're not keeping up with the power struggle, must be something wrong with you. Don't look to understand your self/feelings deeply. Look to the surface. Look to the body. Look at what you're supposed to be in the power struggle. Because maybe we can invent a superdrug that magically brings people fulfilment. Maybe we can deny our selves.

But this isn't working either. Just like the festering political obsessions. People need love. All this coldness towards the deepest parts of ourselves that need validation, in favor of emotionless, superficial understanding, it's only making things worse.


So everybody's got something, yet they always act like it's unique, like it's a special defect. Because that's the image we pushed, every day on TV, this power struggle, the images that everyone is having a riotous good time, a false image we hold up to the world, in competition. It's not real. So when people feel these bad things, they stigmatize them in themselves, or they repress and deny them, they think there's something wrong with them. I guess.

The one question I can never seem to stop asking myself lately is why, why does most of the world fail to understand themselves the way I always have? I always looked inside myself and knew what was going on, and why I was upset, and it's so hard to learn that most people do not have this same understanding.. I was always taking for granted that everyone else's experience must be like my own. But it's not. It's like they exist only in this world we see in front of us, and for them the power struggle is of prime importance, so if you're not playing the hollow game, and furthermore winning, there's something wrong with you. They only see the game, not the importance of love. So things like loneliness and exclusion are interpreted as "low self-esteem", and all the other usual shallow, cold-hearted, dominating, backwards, garbage assessments.

Have we gotten it right this time, with all the therapists and physicians, psychologists and so on? The evolution from the psychotherapy babble of the 20's, Jung and Freud, and whatever stream of endless influence that went into our formation, their formation, and the formation of those who came before. The insane asylums, medieval demonological and astrological influences? Bloodletting and primitive rituals, alchemy, exorcism, did we finally get it right this time? Do we have a better grip on the understanding of human fulfillment? Has our scientific application helped us understand happiness one iota better? Are therapist's offices a sane place free of our perpetual lies, rhetoric, and denial?

No!

"Scabs that will Never Heal"

Why is it so hard for other people to recognize this place inside themselves?

Did I learn to be this way over lifetimes I don't remember? Or does my mind just work better? Was I pushed out of common dull understanding by a series of unique events in my own personal life throughout childhood? Or is there a quality of soul, where some are just plain honest, and others are not? Are people evil? Or just severely, profoundly confused? Does it even matter? Because I'd rather just believe they're evil.. because I don't ever want my soul to be a part of theirs, after all they've done, and their complete inability to see and understand.