Stream of Consciousness I

Some backstory: this was a "Stream of Consciousness" I typed out in notepad on my computer, just as a way of trying to reason out my own thoughts, and never intended to show anyone. As such, it's not meant to make too much sense at face value, as I may have skipped providing any context, or fully explaining things. I just typed out what I needed to in order to better organize my thoughts, and possibly left a lot unspoken. There may be other peculiarities.. nonsensical words, misspellings, repetition, me yelling at myself..... whatever I felt was needed to figure out my thoughts.

This particular entry: is basically about the issues I face, and me attempting to come to terms with them, fully face the facts and ugliness of the world in self-honesty, and then, finally, to reason my way to the proper course of action needed in my life, given the circumstances, to greater achieve either growth or possibly some aspect of fulfillment.

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I feel that my intelligence would be infinite
if it wasn't for the broodings and blocks in the way
related to the problems I see in the world
I can see the way it works and the way it gets blocked by these mental hangups.
the way I can see how other people are lost and confused and could easily not be,
but are plagued by something or other on their mind,
whether they are in self-awareness of it or not.

really, I feel that my happiness would be limitless, too,
seeing the nature of the way happiness and suffering work.

No matter what I do, nor even how many realizations or increased understanding
I attain, I am still left with confusion over the problems that plague my mind.
I have tried to figure things out, forever, and despite many amazing revelations,
I still remain stuck.

As long as I live in this world I will always have these issues,
I will always be victim to them, there will always be threat and lack of safety in the world.
In my own personal life I know that it's quite beyond that even,
things are beyond a lost cause and can't be repaired, I know I can't change all that has happened
nor can I make the future what I know I need it to be.
It's not a lack of ability on my part, it's a physical impossiblity with the world.
A lot of people pass around stupid quotes on the subject, stuff like:
"live in the now" "forget the past" "forgive" "try this new age hokus pokus" "follow jesus/allah/buddah" "smoke a bowl and ignore reality"
and so on with many supposedly witty facebook quotes from Gandhi or Chopra or whoever, the cliche ones that rearrange words and whatnot
but are really just so very cheap and void of any real deep insight, like some sort of trendy pop-spirituality.
supposed epiphanies and pretty words that everyone subscribes to, yet the world remains a mess.
that's all just a bunch of pseudo-spiritual rubbish that ignores the real fundamental basis of things
and a sufficiently self-honest person will understand that.

the whole situation would seem rather grim..
I don't know if it would be possible to attain any sort of happiness through a massive denial or thoughtlessness
honestly I have nary gone down that route in my life before, only at my rope's end,
and I suspect this is why I seem to suffer more then various others
- others like me, even despite living a similar life.
Sometimes they can even seem completely unaware, almost plainly happy, but something inside me screams that that's wrong, and I don't want it.
It can even be very obvious how people live in denial and distractions,
and it seems to work for them to varying extents, or sometimes not at all..
but really I don't care, because I can't do that. I would really rather just call it quits on life then stop looking for answers and truth.
It's all like we have some deep-seated fear of being mind-based beings, and thoughtless denial is just another element of that. What leads us to be this way?

from all this,
-from a good awareness that all those pseudo-spiritual answers are just dead ends that ignore the fundamental problem,
-an honest awareness of the actual state of the reality I live in, in all it's unsalvagability,
-and from the awareness of the things inside my soul that I know I will never be able to "turn off" or stop needing (except by denial)
we can deduce that the only possible solution to this scenario would be a removal of faith from this world, and placing it into another.
and should such another world exist, striving to continually raise my awareness, and thus faith, in it, and the promises it would possess.

There is literally no other answer.

I suppose from here all I can ask is:
How do I do that?

I suppose the natural idea would be to reorient my thinking, slowly dragging it away from dwelling on the problems in this world,
and encourage myself to dwell more on this "other world." and its promise.
I suppose awareness is really nothing less then honestly dwelling on something.
our minds can take us anywhere, you can't truly hide the basis of thought from a mind,
but we are distracted and taught to see things on different levels, like images and body, or fantasies and hallucinations, in denial of truth/inner awareness.

It's quite clear to me that even as a little kid I really never wanted to be a part of this world, and faced endless crap for it.
like despite all the superficial things people complain about being "discriminated" over,
I could really not have possibly incurred more resistence upon myself, for this path of not wanting to be a part of anything.
The idea of giving up everything and dying for something is more attractive to me then finding a 'life' for myself in such a useless world.
And I feel corrupted and defiled by everything that I touch, see, or experience, like it's destroying what was perfect and innocent.
And I have to wonder why some people feel this pull and others don't? What does that mean?

Everything is a grand lie.

I am feeling a desire and hope to concentrate on this "new world",
I want to be a source of hope for others that have been through the same garbage and troubling thoughts as me.
I want an honest inner source of real hope that I can believe in, that doesn't just fall apart in my mind in two seconds,
like all the other pseudo-spiritual trash.
I want to find this new truth and lose all remaining ego and distractions and blocks to my awareness and be a source of comfort to myself and others,
like some very rare others have been, to me. And somehow I feel I will be more connected to them.
Thinking about this thought alone fills me with euphoria and desire. So it would appear my theory is working already, (but it will fail if it's a lie.)