Socially Repressed Guilt

Basically the whole of society, or the apparent, visible whole, would seem to indicate that promiscuity is something that is universally accepted and taken for granted. Maybe not on every level, as everyone seems to have at least some element to criticize, but it seems you would be hard pressed to find anyone that doesn't accept at least some degree of it as OK. At the very least, I can surely say that anyone who would suggest it's all wrong and refuses to participate very clearly puts themselves in a position of strong ridicule, and being cast as a freak, backwards idiot, mythological creature or anomaly.

The whole of media, music and so on goes along demonstrating this, using sex, social power and hierarchy as the primary selling point, and desensitizing us, brainwashing us with casual attitudes towards it, hypnotizing, to see it as something taken for granted, without a care, and this taken-for-granted attitude of course in turn is the reason why a person who goes against it becomes seen as ridiculous and laughable. For all I know you may even be reading this right now, feeling uncomfortable, thinking "Promiscuity? Virginity? What is this kid talking about, this is just embarrassing." ...You should think about that. this reaction just goes to demonstrate the point. It doesn't need to be this way, I didn't feel this dysphoria about it before I learned what most people are like, that's just the result of a sexualized power-hungry culture.

This attitude has existed at every job I've ever had, in school, family, every social circle, etc. Every media source, social attitude, everywhere I go.

If this is something people feel differently about, they (those who find fault with promiscuity) at very least are more or less completely silenced within society from speaking up about it, or being open about it. It's so severe, in fact, that people are almost completely unable to recognize what is being talked about if some rare soul does bring up the topic, and attempt to describe the significance and disturbance they feel over the misuse of sexuality and romance. Like, "What?? what are you talking about??" I find this difficult to explain exactly what I mean, but, for example, I myself have put these themes into so much of my art, and yet I am constantly confronting people who, though they may obviously pay attention to and enjoy the art, seem to have absolutely no clue whatsoever, not the faintest idea of what it is really all about, and will even say things that give off the exact opposite impression, proving how unclear it all is to them. It's, this subconscious thing in us, you know, repressed. We feel it, but won't confront it.

And yet, here we have, everywhere we go, this attitude among people that they're being unfairly judged for sex. As if they're "misunderstood". This attitude like they are rebelling.....with what they have endlessly been taught on TV, endlessly intimidated by in social dynamics, and endlessly programmed into their genes over millions of years of evolution. This attitude like they are fighting some larger group who is just so stupid and judging them ridiculously. They made the "prude" a laughing stock, a pariah, a mythological creature, yet they act so misunderstood and judged and guilty..... Why?

It's very clear to me that what they are really responding to, unknown to them, is the subconscious guilt and sense of significance about sex, that they have repressed. There is a power, a meaning to this affection that we show each other, what it symbolizes, where it comes from psychologically, the social dynamics involved, the use of bodies, the give and take, the weapon of power, the objectification, purpose, on and on.. And though we have disfigured it with rhetoric and brainwashing and desensitization to the point of becoming completely unrecognizable - just a hollow, arbitrary act - the truth is, on a certain level - deeper down perhaps in emotions where most of us can't really see clearly - the sense of what it is, what we are doing to each other: the love we show for each other and power we give and take and respect we show and so on, nevertheless still remains.

I see this constantly, as I go around online, little rants people make, art or social movements or whatever, that comes off as making an argument about sex, but which I can see clearly to reflect the ruminations the individual is having and struggling with, trying to feel absolved about but not being able to. It's clear to me these individuals feel guilty, and struggle with these thoughts, even if it's not clear to them that they are doing so.

They're doing everything they can to get away from this underlying sense of repressed significance and innocence. It seems to me that they hope to reach a point where they prove any kind of guilt associated with promiscuous romance and sex is just a false association, that we have been taught by, like, religion, or older generations, or whatever (nonsense) to see as bad, and as soon as we shed these false associations we will be free and in the clear and not bothered by it anymore.

If you are a whore, attempting to reach a place where you feel completely free and absolved about your promiscuity, I can absolutely promise this will never, ever happen, because what you are really fighting is not me, and certainly not society, but what you have pushed into your subconscious, and that can never truly go away.

"Body Collectors"

Everything is New

We stand on the brink of existence, with our thoughts around us.

The old structures beckon us, calling us to come back to old paradigms and structures of thinking we've known too well.

These thought structures, so familiar, the social philosophies, the way the young think, the way the old think, the religious platitudes, mystical philosophies, political patterns of thinking. they hold a weight with us. There's a safety in them. There's an established structure. There's fear in going against them, there's guilt and damnation and social incrimination.

They told us what to believe, all the ideas that we should take for granted. About how we shouldn't hate, how fascism is bad, how this or that religion offers safety from hellfire, how we should forgive, what we can and can't joke about, who we can and can't kill, what we should have tolerance for and what we should have zero tolerance for, what constitutes rape, what holds stigma, what is and isn't valuable, what is or isn't professional, what we should or shouldn't feel horribly guilty over, what we can say and do and believe in.

THE PRESSURE to believe in all these things is intimidating, it holds weight... receding.. as we cut away. To form an original conclusion. From a point we never have, from a point where we have discarded and unlearned everything we ever thought we knew. To begin anew, clean the slate and discover, for once, unafraid, what our heart really speaks, that which we should really believe.

These, all the common ideas we've been taught about how we're supposed to think, what we're supposed to say, do, and believe in. The only ways the world has ever known, and so appearing as if the only paths that we even have to choose from...
But not! We are free.

"Break the Sky"

Humanity has failed us,
overwhelmingly, unendingly
so why do we still go on following?

And as we approach closer to ourselves, we can only wonder, why did we ever think it was ok to betray ourselves?
They have told us what it is we are supposed to value and devalue, what our philosophies should be and how they should operate, and we believed them. We believed it was wisdom. We believed it was very clever. But on what basis did we judge the value in anything? They told us what the basis of our thinking should be, and we bought it. Already thinking like them before we even consulted ourselves. What value could an idea ever have if it doesn't have true value to ourselves first and foremost? The kind we feel and arrive at on our own. Not an assessment of value based on the thought structures they have artificially constructed within us, nor the responses from our own guilt and fear they have also placed there, but what we really feel in the quiet back of our minds. What we lovingly feel and want to believe, from the deepest part of ourselves. How could we ever judge what's valuable on any other basis? Why did we allow ourselves to? Because it'd be cool with the group? And we are scared that others hold authority over our selves?

We are free to believe what we alone understand. Inside ourselves. No matter what nor how many it goes up against. And there is no one and no god standing in our way, not truly. No one but ourselves, and the cunning, deceptive psychological mechanisms of social pressures, conformity, embarrassment, alienation, fear, guilt, familiarity in the known vs. the unknown....

We are free to make up our own rules. As we truly see things, uncluttered and unchained. What we really want to say. Not as dishonesty nor arrogance, but merely the observation that we have, indeed, carefully considered all the known paths, and have found them to all be hollow and fruitless. Too many times, we've gone down these roads. We know where they lead.

We have been through all of this way too many times, for far too long, and we know we will not be getting new results, with the same old tired thinking. The safe ways of thinking.

The ocean expands, unknown to us in possibilities of existence. We have hung around, keeping track of the lighthouses for far too long, hoping they could guide us. It's time to cut ties and lose sight of shore.

We are free. We are totally and completely free to believe whatever it is we will, the only judge, our own heart, clear and free of debris. The only thing standing in our way, the continually diminishing fear of listening to our selves. That voice which speaks what we really feel.

Inner/Outer Authority

we exist in homogeneity with society, mentally
we naturally homogenize to the same thinking
but the thinking of the human culture is not working
we realize this, but it is still very painful and difficult to forge a new path

I want a source outside of myself to lead me
like a scripture, or whatever
but I have to face the facts that I'm stuck in a world of children
It's lonely trying to forge your own path
but that seems to be the only way to answers or true spirituality
and perhaps that's the point,
learning to find our own inner guide,
rather then existing in the outer

a strong spirit seems to be defined by someone who is capable of following their own inner guide, following their own path, against all odds and outside influence. Inner authority that rules over the intimidation of outer authority.

Meditations

Try to think, without words.
What is happening? Inside your mind.

Now try to think without the formal constructs of what is known as 'reason' and 'logic', too.
Just pure feeling, or intuitive intelligence.

Now attempt to disregard all outside influence, from all peers, teachers, from the philosophies of our culture, their social movements, governments, your own religious or spiritual ideologies, yes, everything, including any ideals some stoners have about consciousness, the universe, the nature of self, etc, anything you've been taught by music, or a movie, or show, all our behavioral training, everything, try to force out and purge yourself of all worldly influence.

Everything you have been pushed into feeling too embarrassed to admit you feel (let alone say), everything that seems too crazy to entertain thoughts about, everything that has been demonized or stigmatized in your mind, forget about all of that, purge all of that out too. Mentally fast and detoxify.

What is left? What do you believe? What are you? Who do you really want to be?

I enjoy going into the shower, kind of crouching and curling up, putting my head down and letting the warm water wash over me. Closing my eyes and just contemplating these thoughts. Or when lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep. It seems to work best for me in those moments, and then I drift.

"(SORI XIV) Everywhere Light"

Stream of Consciousness VIII

Snow falls
gently
slow motion
the air is still
everything is quiet
a blanket, covering the earth
as if to put it to sleep
...rest...

in an empty house
I could watch, safe inside
and as I do I close my eyes...

there are no traces of the life I lived before
nor of the world that will be
I am somewhere else..

home.

the magical interest everything has to a child
inside my head a place still exists
that I remember from childhood,

alone, staring out my window
in the night
in the cold
wondering what lies beyond..

the promise of another world
I felt it then
like everything is safe,
everything is assured

as I return there now,
as a creature feeling so much older, weighed down,
it hasn't changed.
it goes on in youth forever
ancient memories,
I can reach them still

the sanity of the world outside is insane
this other world is the only thing that makes sense

"- (snowfall / white sleeves)"

Stream of Consciousness VII

the soulless stuff wins

past the screaming arrogant noise of the world
there's a silence

what is soulless is defined by the lack of this quiet place
entertainment is a distraction from it, and so by nature is soulless.

the noise must be allowed to be snuffed out

the nothingness grows and expands and engulfs the mind

a warm glow,
down there
somewhere at the bottom

I can't see very far, but little rays of light gently reflect and glow through the mist
 something is down there.

down in the silence, down in the formlessness, down in the gloom

I get all kinds of hallucinations, trying to decipher the fog
scary things, coming out to me, terrible, fearful things.
the emptiness terrifies, hard to approach.

but I have nowhere else to go, so I'll sit on this rock and stare into it

not really too afraid, at once comforted, hopeful, yet desperate and scared
how many people push this far? I wonder. Or do others even exist here, in the sense I've known?
my thoughts are too much noise, let them go. focus on the nothing.

endless nothing

it expands in all directions like another dimension
it's everywhere all at once and a complete discrepancy from the formal world

logic and reason, or what we call them, are useless here.
An ant brain trying to comprehend existence

and somehow I feel within my sentient being the capacity to understand
past the instincts, past the formal construct and processes of the brain, and going on's of the world around me.

it's down there at the bottom of me
it is the bottom.
it's the same thing.

interesting...
how I feel that existence is understandable through my own consciousness
it's an innate sense

my self is intimately linked to the deeper levels of the physics and science of the universe and existence. Far past the levels we have outwardly explored.

somehow, formed by it, and in some sort of symbiosis with it.
like the deeper levels of the univese experiencing themselves through me
a mind, a manifestation of these deeper levels, operating on the superficial level.

a mind, operating on this level, thus become attached to it and preoccupied with it.
a mind becomes coherent and adapted to the human brain, the whole construct, and thus operates on instincts and the prescribed patterns, in impulse, reason, reaction..

the association with the formal level, reasoning, instincts.. must be surpassed, severed, transcended. It is only of value when interacting on the superficial level, not for comprehending the depths.

the depths of the mind are mysterious, beyond the scope of the logic of this level.

nothing is irrational, nothing is crazy, when exploring these depths, all thoughts, feelings, have a basis in something and come from somewhere.
so, should not be laughed off uncomfortably as being too incoherent, too insane.
But explored.
Deeper.

there is... overwhelming inspiration and desire to be free.

attempting to analyze the thoughts is to describe them in form
but this slows down the process of exploring them, and brings me back to this level.

the inspiration felt here is timeless, like perpetually youthful.
I don't know what this inspiration means. What it represents.. only the sense that it comes from a deeper and more meaningful level. It is as hard to comprehend the meaning of meaning as it is to understand what my own consciousness is, exactly.

there's a sense of peace and completeness. Of things being right. Perhaps that's part of it..

Like I am free, beyond the world, and I am in love.
Not so much that I am in the experience of such a state, but a glimpse into its' fact of existence.

the world is an extremely minute realm, from the vantage point of this state

the previously ruthless and intimidating manmade structures of authority, society, are trivialized, and, in touch with something else, I am less afraid to speak a differing voice which contradicts the world's views.

attempting to describe the path to the state makes it harder to maintain hold of. The self consciousness, and sort of pride seems to destroy it. I have to be purely focused on it, in high sincerity.

it is for me.. it is for solitude. It is sacred and demands my full attention and seriousness, as like a jealous lover. Approached without ego.
I sort of feel the need to yield to it, in respect of it.

that's all for now.. the analyzation distracts.

Spiritual, Emotional & Physical Pain

The pain of the emptiness of loneliness. Of jealousy, of being without or outside while others have, possess. It is like a weight pulling down on my soul.

It is literally and physically a feeling like the pain of hunger. Like my insides are being stabbed, a thousand tiny needles, generally within my abdomen, or heart and chest, depending. It's almost indistinguishable, but not enough that I can't sense when I'm hungry..
And yet, I feel that I could actually be prone to eating when I'm not necessarily hungry, because of it.

If it wasn't for my very non-addictive, non-disordered psyche, it would be easy to imagine me developing an "eating disorder" of eating too much and becoming overweight.

As a soul I experience this world sensorially through my body, like my soul stretched out into the information I receive, and it seems like profound experiences even translate in this way, to a physical experience of pain.

And it never really goes away.

It is the pain of caring.
It is the pain of love, and devotion.

Love is given value through suffering. Significance. It is as if I am building love, and that is the meaning of suffering.

The world ubiquitously ignores it, despite it being the most indeniable and powerful thing I've ever felt. The only real thing that upsets me about life. And there's something very suspicious and revealing about that? But perhaps it is also just too ugly for most people - weak souls - to look at.