Everything is New

We stand on the brink of existence, with our thoughts around us.

The old structures beckon us, calling us to come back to old paradigms and structures of thinking we've known too well.

These thought structures, so familiar, the social philosophies, the way the young think, the way the old think, the religious platitudes, mystical philosophies, political patterns of thinking. they hold a weight with us. There's a safety in them. There's an established structure. There's fear in going against them, there's guilt and damnation and social incrimination.

They told us what to believe, all the ideas that we should take for granted. About how we shouldn't hate, how fascism is bad, how this or that religion offers safety from hellfire, how we should forgive, what we can and can't joke about, who we can and can't kill, what we should have tolerance for and what we should have zero tolerance for, what constitutes rape, what holds stigma, what is and isn't valuable, what is or isn't professional, what we should or shouldn't feel horribly guilty over, what we can say and do and believe in.

THE PRESSURE to believe in all these things is intimidating, it holds weight... receding.. as we cut away. To form an original conclusion. From a point we never have, from a point where we have discarded and unlearned everything we ever thought we knew. To begin anew, clean the slate and discover, for once, unafraid, what our heart really speaks, that which we should really believe.

These, all the common ideas we've been taught about how we're supposed to think, what we're supposed to say, do, and believe in. The only ways the world has ever known, and so appearing as if the only paths that we even have to choose from...
But not! We are free.

"Break the Sky"

Humanity has failed us,
overwhelmingly, unendingly
so why do we still go on following?

And as we approach closer to ourselves, we can only wonder, why did we ever think it was ok to betray ourselves?
They have told us what it is we are supposed to value and devalue, what our philosophies should be and how they should operate, and we believed them. We believed it was wisdom. We believed it was very clever. But on what basis did we judge the value in anything? They told us what the basis of our thinking should be, and we bought it. Already thinking like them before we even consulted ourselves. What value could an idea ever have if it doesn't have true value to ourselves first and foremost? The kind we feel and arrive at on our own. Not an assessment of value based on the thought structures they have artificially constructed within us, nor the responses from our own guilt and fear they have also placed there, but what we really feel in the quiet back of our minds. What we lovingly feel and want to believe, from the deepest part of ourselves. How could we ever judge what's valuable on any other basis? Why did we allow ourselves to? Because it'd be cool with the group? And we are scared that others hold authority over our selves?

We are free to believe what we alone understand. Inside ourselves. No matter what nor how many it goes up against. And there is no one and no god standing in our way, not truly. No one but ourselves, and the cunning, deceptive psychological mechanisms of social pressures, conformity, embarrassment, alienation, fear, guilt, familiarity in the known vs. the unknown....

We are free to make up our own rules. As we truly see things, uncluttered and unchained. What we really want to say. Not as dishonesty nor arrogance, but merely the observation that we have, indeed, carefully considered all the known paths, and have found them to all be hollow and fruitless. Too many times, we've gone down these roads. We know where they lead.

We have been through all of this way too many times, for far too long, and we know we will not be getting new results, with the same old tired thinking. The safe ways of thinking.

The ocean expands, unknown to us in possibilities of existence. We have hung around, keeping track of the lighthouses for far too long, hoping they could guide us. It's time to cut ties and lose sight of shore.

We are free. We are totally and completely free to believe whatever it is we will, the only judge, our own heart, clear and free of debris. The only thing standing in our way, the continually diminishing fear of listening to our selves. That voice which speaks what we really feel.

Inner/Outer Authority

we exist in homogeneity with society, mentally
we naturally homogenize to the same thinking
but the thinking of the human culture is not working
we realize this, but it is still very painful and difficult to forge a new path

I want a source outside of myself to lead me
like a scripture, or whatever
but I have to face the facts that I'm stuck in a world of children
It's lonely trying to forge your own path
but that seems to be the only way to answers or true spirituality
and perhaps that's the point,
learning to find our own inner guide,
rather then existing in the outer

a strong spirit seems to be defined by someone who is capable of following their own inner guide, following their own path, against all odds and outside influence. Inner authority that rules over the intimidation of outer authority.

Meditations

Try to think, without words.
What is happening? Inside your mind.

Now try to think without the formal constructs of what is known as 'reason' and 'logic', too.
Just pure feeling, or intuitive intelligence.

Now attempt to disregard all outside influence, from all peers, teachers, from the philosophies of our culture, their social movements, governments, your own religious or spiritual ideologies, yes, everything, including any ideals some stoners have about consciousness, the universe, the nature of self, etc, anything you've been taught by music, or a movie, or show, all our behavioral training, everything, try to force out and purge yourself of all worldly influence.

Everything you have been pushed into feeling too embarrassed to admit you feel (let alone say), everything that seems too crazy to entertain thoughts about, everything that has been demonized or stigmatized in your mind, forget about all of that, purge all of that out too. Mentally fast and detoxify.

What is left? What do you believe? What are you? Who do you really want to be?

I enjoy going into the shower, kind of crouching and curling up, putting my head down and letting the warm water wash over me. Closing my eyes and just contemplating these thoughts. Or when lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep. It seems to work best for me in those moments, and then I drift.

"(SORI XIV) Everywhere Light"

Stream of Consciousness VIII

Snow falls
gently
slow motion
the air is still
everything is quiet
a blanket, covering the earth
as if to put it to sleep
...rest...

in an empty house
I could watch, safe inside
and as I do I close my eyes...

there are no traces of the life I lived before
nor of the world that will be
I am somewhere else..

home.

the magical interest everything has to a child
inside my head a place still exists
that I remember from childhood,

alone, staring out my window
in the night
in the cold
wondering what lies beyond..

the promise of another world
I felt it then
like everything is safe,
everything is assured

as I return there now,
as a creature feeling so much older, weighed down,
it hasn't changed.
it goes on in youth forever
ancient memories,
I can reach them still

the sanity of the world outside is insane
this other world is the only thing that makes sense

"- (snowfall / white sleeves)"

Stream of Consciousness VII

the soulless stuff wins

past the screaming arrogant noise of the world
there's a silence

what is soulless is defined by the lack of this quiet place
entertainment is a distraction from it, and so by nature is soulless.

the noise must be allowed to be snuffed out

the nothingness grows and expands and engulfs the mind

a warm glow,
down there
somewhere at the bottom

I can't see very far, but little rays of light gently reflect and glow through the mist
 something is down there.

down in the silence, down in the formlessness, down in the gloom

I get all kinds of hallucinations, trying to decipher the fog
scary things, coming out to me, terrible, fearful things.
the emptiness terrifies, hard to approach.

but I have nowhere else to go, so I'll sit on this rock and stare into it

not really too afraid, at once comforted, hopeful, yet desperate and scared
how many people push this far? I wonder. Or do others even exist here, in the sense I've known?
my thoughts are too much noise, let them go. focus on the nothing.

endless nothing

it expands in all directions like another dimension
it's everywhere all at once and a complete discrepancy from the formal world

logic and reason, or what we call them, are useless here.
An ant brain trying to comprehend existence

and somehow I feel within my sentient being the capacity to understand
past the instincts, past the formal construct and processes of the brain, and going on's of the world around me.

it's down there at the bottom of me
it is the bottom.
it's the same thing.

interesting...
how I feel that existence is understandable through my own consciousness
it's an innate sense

my self is intimately linked to the deeper levels of the physics and science of the universe and existence. Far past the levels we have outwardly explored.

somehow, formed by it, and in some sort of symbiosis with it.
like the deeper levels of the univese experiencing themselves through me
a mind, a manifestation of these deeper levels, operating on the superficial level.

a mind, operating on this level, thus become attached to it and preoccupied with it.
a mind becomes coherent and adapted to the human brain, the whole construct, and thus operates on instincts and the prescribed patterns, in impulse, reason, reaction..

the association with the formal level, reasoning, instincts.. must be surpassed, severed, transcended. It is only of value when interacting on the superficial level, not for comprehending the depths.

the depths of the mind are mysterious, beyond the scope of the logic of this level.

nothing is irrational, nothing is crazy, when exploring these depths, all thoughts, feelings, have a basis in something and come from somewhere.
so, should not be laughed off uncomfortably as being too incoherent, too insane.
But explored.
Deeper.

there is... overwhelming inspiration and desire to be free.

attempting to analyze the thoughts is to describe them in form
but this slows down the process of exploring them, and brings me back to this level.

the inspiration felt here is timeless, like perpetually youthful.
I don't know what this inspiration means. What it represents.. only the sense that it comes from a deeper and more meaningful level. It is as hard to comprehend the meaning of meaning as it is to understand what my own consciousness is, exactly.

there's a sense of peace and completeness. Of things being right. Perhaps that's part of it..

Like I am free, beyond the world, and I am in love.
Not so much that I am in the experience of such a state, but a glimpse into its' fact of existence.

the world is an extremely minute realm, from the vantage point of this state

the previously ruthless and intimidating manmade structures of authority, society, are trivialized, and, in touch with something else, I am less afraid to speak a differing voice which contradicts the world's views.

attempting to describe the path to the state makes it harder to maintain hold of. The self consciousness, and sort of pride seems to destroy it. I have to be purely focused on it, in high sincerity.

it is for me.. it is for solitude. It is sacred and demands my full attention and seriousness, as like a jealous lover. Approached without ego.
I sort of feel the need to yield to it, in respect of it.

that's all for now.. the analyzation distracts.

Spiritual, Emotional & Physical Pain

The pain of the emptiness of loneliness. Of jealousy, of being without or outside while others have, possess. It is like a weight pulling down on my soul.

It is literally and physically a feeling like the pain of hunger. Like my insides are being stabbed, a thousand tiny needles, generally within my abdomen, or heart and chest, depending. It's almost indistinguishable, but not enough that I can't sense when I'm hungry..
And yet, I feel that I could actually be prone to eating when I'm not necessarily hungry, because of it.

If it wasn't for my very non-addictive, non-disordered psyche, it would be easy to imagine me developing an "eating disorder" of eating too much and becoming overweight.

As a soul I experience this world sensorially through my body, like my soul stretched out into the information I receive, and it seems like profound experiences even translate in this way, to a physical experience of pain.

And it never really goes away.

It is the pain of caring.
It is the pain of love, and devotion.

Love is given value through suffering. Significance. It is as if I am building love, and that is the meaning of suffering.

The world ubiquitously ignores it, despite it being the most indeniable and powerful thing I've ever felt. The only real thing that upsets me about life. And there's something very suspicious and revealing about that? But perhaps it is also just too ugly for most people - weak souls - to look at.

Being Childish

In order to be in touch with myself,
to be honest, passionate, emotional, to have these feelings and take them seriously,
I run the risk of looking childish.

It's like with my old hipster "friends" and acquaintances. Where everything is held at arms length with them. They are too advanced for emotions and vulnerability, they cannot be in touch with themselves. And for being otherwise I was at best a bit ridiculous to them. I really think that above all other adjectives, "insincere" describes the hipster best. As well as most others. They think they're something new and special. They're not. They are a primitive-at-heart albeit sophisticated attempt to gain superiority, and are horrified by vulnerability.. They've got a million judgments for everything that they think sets them apart from and above the rest. They're desperate for that high, but it just makes them soulless.

Do you see what people are trying to do? They're trying to castrate my soul. I'm supposed to try to fit in, prove myself to others, and as long as I remain emotional and have these passions, as long as I take these passions I feel seriously, as long as I take anything I feel seriously and don't put it beneath me, I'm lost to them.

I hate them. I hate their phoniness, I don't know how they can stand to be who they are. They gather around the sofa to watch a movie and flauntingly talk about pop culture references, thinking they're so cultured and so advanced. And never in their conversations does any sense of genuine feeling enter, it's just a constant orgy of trying to feel superior with each other. They're disgusting. I can't recall ever in my life being able to keep that act up for more than two minutes. It makes me feel like a whore piece of shit and meanwhile I feel my soul strangling. I've got these feelings and longings inside me and they've never been able to be very quiet. I have got to be passionate and feel that meaning or I can't stand the thought of my existence. Why are we trying to drown out our emotions like that? It's despicable.

So I am childish, and cannot let the fear of this judgment alter me. And by recognizing this consciously I can look at this accusation and disarm any defensiveness I would have about it - I can say yes, I am childish; I believe in it.

I feel like in writing all this, merely the way I write these entries, the way I intellectualize things, I fear may be enough to betray myself, even. I know that to others, for my art, for my feelings, for my desperate search, I am childish, and this is at least partly kind of defensiveness over it. I want these idiots to know that I'm aware and thinking about it, and even understand it to quite some depth, but still defend it.

But I also hear my heart speaking. And there's this passion that screams words I can only imagine from where, saying the most incredible things, surprising me most of all, and when I can find a moment to let it go and really speak what it will, unadulterated and unrestrained, I can't believe what I hear and how much it hits me what I really feel. And in that is the overwhelming knowledge of who I am and what I want to be. And I don't want to be this petty garbage, I don't want to allow my soul to be silenced, not even if it means dragging the whole world down with me. I love this person that's inside of me, the way he speaks openly against every influence in the whole world, managing to gasp out, profoundly, an actual unique thought. A truly unique thought, as this comes from a place so abstract and at the overcoming of all influence. I love the way this person inside me recognizes that life is not worth a god damn without the underlying meaning of the passions and emotions that can only be seen in self-honesty and an in-touch nature. I love the way this person inside demands that I listen to him and not back down and not shut up, even while on a more shallow level I remain hesitant. I can hear the ridicule I incur for speaking passionately, in any instance I may choose to, yet I love that this guy inside me cheers me on anyways because he recognizes that this is worth more then that concern, and I am only betraying myself in the end with concerns of such non-childish, "adulthood" vanity.

And it's like, what is all this adulthood bullshit, anyways?
"Maturity", yeah. It's just like, lose contact with yourself and the passions you really feel. Deny yourself, your dreams and innocence, sell out, be advanced, become desensitized, and deny everything. Grab a phony romance and do the bare minimum to keep it "stable", to prove to the world that you're "well adjusted" and doing ok, a "success", and claim there's no turmoil going on down there. Are you kidding me? Is that what we came to this planet for? How can we justify this?
And that's what they mean by maturity. That's seriously what it amounts to, becoming a whore. They won't tell you openly, but there's no choice, you are to deny your innocent dreams, and what love intrinsically means & the ferocity with which it can only speak. The only volume level it knows. To tone down such passions until you take them casually, and allow them to be used and destroyed. And in that is the destruction of the meaning of love, and in the destruction of love is the destruction of all of life.

My parents and culture in general always pushed me down the path of career, success and all that nonsense. All I could ever think about my whole life has been the way I have seen love constantly being destroyed around me. Don't they know that's the only thing that actually matters? I'm supposed to get a solid career going, for what? So I can soak in all that material security and just be miserable in a nice big house? Like it's supposed to make me happy despite the central point of life being destroyed? I can't understand why people like my parents were so hung up on that crap, trying to get me to "succeed", while I was just constantly miserable! And never a thought given to that, not once. At least not in any other context than treating it like a defect to be coldly fixed by some psychiatric institution so I can get back on my worker ant track. Like, isn't this the point of life? Doesn't that come first? Love and happiness? The whole central thing. Am I just a worker ant to them? It's all just evolutionary instincts, everything they operate on. It's the whole school culture idea, this false association we made between education (training/prepping) and a bright future. Like we're building a future by doing this. Like this is important or something. Like it's going somewhere in the end. All a big illusory construct.. Fuck you, I'm not happy! When did that become so unimportant?

But that's adulthood. Just the act of making the world soulless.
There's no reason it had to be this way.

"Childhood"